Army infantry to stand in for junior doctors during surgery

Britain’s brave soldiers will be called in to hospitals, to perform minor surgery during the junior doctor strike.

Jeremy Hunt made the announcement while meeting a patient who was being prepared for a routine operation.

“As well as the normal gown, we’ve put some camouflage cream on her face,” said Hunt.

“And I’ve popped a German helmet on her, that I just happened to have lying around.”

Private Simon Williams admitted he was ‘nervous’ and ‘dangerously unqualified’, but promised to give it a go.

“Hand-to-hand combat requires a certain amount of anatomical knowledge”, insisted Williams.

“Did you know that if I press her here, she could easily pass…oops sorry. Well, at least we don’t need an anaesthetist now.

“I’ve googled ‘appendix’, and it turns out that in books, it’s near the back.

“So I suppose it must be in the same area in humans.”

After taping a bayonet to a sterilised broom handle, Williams prepared to take a run-up, before starting the delicate procedure.

“My dad would be proud, he did a lot of extra driving because of the ambulance drivers’ strike of ’89,” beamed Williams.

“He wasn’t a soldier, he just drove a hearse for Co-op Funeral Services.”

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