NRA insists Texas school mass-shooting caused by ‘dangerous lack of guns’
21 deaths in a Texas elementary school could have been averted had there been more guns among pupils and teachers, the National Rifle Association has insisted today.
Husband supposedly inspired by ‘Bake Off’ yet to produce any form of cake
A male Great British Bake Off fan who has maintained a stream of ‘we should try that’ type comments from the sofa has yet to follow up with any form of actual baking.
Man actually DOES need special day to show he cares, wife concludes
Despite repeatedly going on about Valentines being an unnecessary commercial rip-off, a man has been persuaded to part with three pounds on a card in Tesco.
Businesses panic at prospect of Chris Grayling in private sector role
UK CEOs were reported to be ‘extremely concerned’ at the prospect of Chris Grayling leaving government and joining their companies in an advisory role.
Finalised Brexit deal immediately shreds itself in frame
Politics was thrown into more confusion yesterday when Theresa May’s Brexit deal unexpectedly shredded itself, via a device hidden in its frame.
NRA insists Florida school mass-shooting caused by ‘dangerous lack of guns’
17 deaths in a Florida school could have been averted had there been more guns among pupils and teachers, the National Rifle Association insisted today. Authorities say Nikolas Cruz killed at least 17 people at a high school in Parkland, Florida, but would not have been able to do so if more schoolgoers had been
Donald Trump insists Texas mass-shooting caused by dangerous lack of guns
Twenty-six deaths in a Texas church could have been averted had there been more guns, the President of the United States insisted today.
‘Lego Masters’ reaches climax as finalists tackle Legoland Windsor queue
Channel 4’s hit ‘Lego Masters’ show presents its finalists with the ultimate challenge this week – to complete the queue for a Legoland Windsor ride before the hour-long programme ends.
Window poo rescue woman appointed to UK Brexit strategy team
A woman who had to be rescued by firefighters after becoming lodged in a window following an unsuccessful attempt to hurl away an unflushable stool has landed a key role in planning Britain’s exit from the EU.
‘Lessons have been learnt’ promise Tories, as Hank Marvin booked for youth rally
Conservative leaders yesterday vowed to match Jeremy Corbyn’s appeal to the youth vote, unveiling plans for an open-air concert to be headlined by ex-Shadows guitarist Hank Marvin.
Theresa May ejected from McDonald’s after repeated ‘strong, stable leadership’ responses jam drive-thru
A four-hour stand-off developed at a McDonald’s restaurant yesterday as the Prime Minister stonewalled a drive-thru order point with continuous irrelevant replies citing ‘strong, stable leadership’.
Glimmer of hope as suspicious-looking Enrico Pallazzo performs at inauguration
Expectations have been raised of a last-minute thwarting of Donald Trump’s presidential transition, after an off-colour performance by singing star Enrico Palazzo.
Join us in celebrating International Day of Tolerance or just fuck off, say organisers
The United Nations has slammed people who do not plan to observe Wednesday’s International Day of Tolerance, calling them ‘divisive, pig-shit-for-brains idiots who should just fuck off.’
Donald Trump finally calls Theresa May, asks for Estonian President’s number
On his second day as US President-elect, Donald Trump has placed an introductory call to Theresa May, in order to find out the phone number of Estonian leader Kersti Kaljulaid.
Penguins and Baby Iguana ‘will not follow Planet Earth 2 to Channel Four’
Channel Four’s plans to build on the success of ‘Planet Earth 2’ have been dealt a blow with the announcement that penguins and baby iguanas will not be leaving the BBC for the commercial channel.
Hammer blow for Hillary Clinton as Yahoo Toolbar found on laptop
Hillary Clinton is facing a potentially terminal blow to her election hopes after it was revealed that the Yahoo Toolbar had been installed on her web browser.
Zika Virus: Donald Trump pledges ‘Mosquito Wall’ on US/Brazil border
US Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has pledged to build a fifteen-foot high ‘Mosquito Wall’ in order to protect Americans from the Zika Virus.
Liam Fox loses Tory race but bags George Foreman grill, magazine subscription
Despite failing to win the Conservative leadership nomination, a cheery Liam Fox declared himself ‘well up on Tuesday,’ having won a popular electrical appliance and a subscription to ‘The Puzzler’ in separate competitions.
Brexit Tories: EU savings will absolutely definitely go to the NHS, honest
Halting the UK’s financial contributions to Europe will free up loads of money for the NHS and other things we’ve always really been totally behind, senior Tory eurosceptics insisted today.
Relief as remaining rock legends survive the night
There was general relief across the country this morning as it transpired that no legendary musicians had died in the past twenty-four hour period.
New Horizons probe gives Pluto scathing 2-star review on TripAdvisor
Nasa’s New Horizons space probe has given Pluto a scathing 2-star review on TripAdvisor, after a fleeting visit yesterday.
Gove: Day 2 of Job ‘A Success’ as Merely Loses Trousers, Slips in Dog Turd
Sacked Education Secretary Michael Gove pronounced the second day of his new job ‘a complete success,’ having avoided getting locked in the toilet for a second day running.
England ‘must keep faith with Alistair Cook,’ say Sri Lankans set to tour in May
English cricket should persevere with under-fire captain Alistair Cook, advised Sri Lankan players due to tour the country this spring.
Blow for Glue Factory as Aintree announces Exclusive Deal with Tesco
A Liverpool glue factory may have to cut jobs after losing a crucial supplier to supermarket chain Tesco.
Peter Odemwingie ‘turned away from Vatican’
West Brom striker Peter Odemwingie has been criticised after turning up at the Vatican unannounced for discussions about the Pope job.
Anger in Night Garden as Ninky-Nonk fares set to rise 12%
Users of the Night Garden’s popular Ninky-Nonk service reacted in anger last night after fare hikes of up to twelve per cent were announced.
Police officer ‘discharged whilst in vicinity of Kate Middleton’
Scotland Yard has launched an enquiry after a royalty protection officer accidentally shot his load whilst watching over the Duchess of Cambridge.
More woes for BBC chief as tongue surgically removed from Bond producer’s anus
The Director General of the BBC was under fresh pressure last night after an emergency operation to separate him from a senior executive of Eon Productions, the makers of the James Bond films.
EXCLUSIVE: FirstGroup West Coast tender leaked
The tender submission forms completed by FirstGroup in order to secure the West Coast rail franchise have been leaked, and we have a copy below for you to review.
Megan Head: Parents’ evening ‘could be a tad awkward’
Following news that maths teacher Jeremy Forrest is to return to the UK, the headteacher of Megan Stammers’s school has described an upcoming parents’ evening as ‘potentially a tad awkward’.
