There was general relief across the country this morning as it transpired that no legendary musicians had died in the past twenty-four hour period.
Managers and agents spent an anxious period over breakfast as they contacted stars to ascertain their state of health. However with no major problems reported, music industry professionals were able to cautiously relax.
“I got hold of Jimmy Page,” said one agent. “And he’s fine. Eric was ok also, apart from a slight cold. We had a bit of a scare when Elton John didn’t answer his phone, but it turned out that he was in Asda and couldn’t get any reception.”
With share prices soaring in companies specialising in producing hastily-thrown-together tribute documentaries featuring substandard outtakes from nineteen-seventies chat shows, much-loved figures from the history of rock and roll have been advised to stay indoors and keep safe.
“It’s been a dreadful year so far,” said a music journalist, having been hospitalised with exhaustion through obituary-writing.
“I just don’t want any stupid accidents on top of this month’s grim events.”
“Let’s face it – 2016 sucks.”