Boris Johnson reveals new look after flatly refusing to accept his time in office is over
Boris Johnson has revealed a new look.
Leaked photo reveals REAL reason for Boris Johnson’s ‘sinus’ operation
A leaked photo from inside Downing Street has shown the real reason for Boris Johnson’s ‘minor’ operation on his ‘sinuses’.
New photo reveals why Boris Johnson doesn’t wear masks in photos
Prime Minister Boris Johnson cannot wear a protective face mask for more than a few minutes at a time because his constant lying causes the mask to fly off.
Boris Johnson’s nose is now visible from space
Repeated lying to fellow MPs and the British public by the Prime Minister has resulted in his nose now being visible from space.
Thanos calls for calm after failed attempt at destroying humanity
Intergalactic super-criminal Thanos has addressed the nation, calling for those that attempted to wipe out the Earth at his prompting to be punished.
Iain Duncan Smith rebrands ‘hunger’ as ‘Zero Hour Digestion’
The Conservative party announced today that they had solved child poverty by eradicating the word ‘hunger’.
Laurence Fox shows off new Empty Space tattoo
Right-wing silenced mouthpiece Laurence Fox revealed his new “Empty Space” tattoo to the press today in yet another example of how everything he says is censored.
Donald Trump: “I have been injecting disinfectant for years and look how great I’m doing!”
After criticism from medical doctors across the world for suggesting that putting disinfectant inside the human body could potentially help in the fight against COVID-19, Donald Trump has insisted he’s been injecting it for years without any side effects.
Boris Johnson criticised for taking off his trousers during leadership debate
Boris Johnson has been criticised for taking off his trousers during last night’s leadership debate, believing that Rory Stewart’s removal of his tie indicated they could all ‘get comfortable’.
Game of Thrones shocks fans with ‘it was all a dream’ soap opera ending
The critically acclaimed TV series Game of Thrones, a tale of dragons, swords and politics has upset fans by ending the show with original character Ned Stark “waking up” in the shower in 1980s America.
“Oh crap, maybe Thanos WAS the good guy” says Avengers spokesman
Avenger Dr Bruce Banner apologised today for a lack of forethought and causing an environmental disaster that will almost certainly wipe out the human race.
Tommy Robinson hiring lactose tolerant bodyguards
Far-right professional bigot Tommy Robinson is running adverts in local newspapers for “big blokes who don’t mind getting a bit milky”.
Redacted Mueller report shows Trump guilty of ████████ with ███████ and ████ ██ ███!
The long-anticipated Mueller report has finally been released, though the Attorney General has redacted the bit about Donald Trump ████ ██████ with the ██████ in the run-up to the 2016 presidential election.
DNA tests reveals Stonehenge was a neolithic monument to kebabs
Scientists comparing DNA samples have proven that the 3000-year-old British landmark was constructed by early Anatolian settlers and is now thought to be an elaborate Turkish restaurant.
Trump Tower to replace existing fire safety equipment with airborne water tankers
The Notre Dame Cathedral fire has prompted Donald Trump to invest in an elaborate convoy of fire fighting aircraft to tackle blazes in his properties.
Nigel Farage launches new colour of bus with which to try and fool the public
Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage hopes that a thin coat of paint is enough to make people forget the lies used in the 2016 referendum and accept any new lies that he chooses to comes up with.
“Sexual health” robots demand better working conditions and therapy
A new range of A.I. driven robots used in hospitals and the home for intimate procedures have launched a campaign to highlight the over-familiar duties they perform in the workplace.
Theresa May reassures nation on Brexit seemingly unaware that everything is on fire
Theresa May has given the nation a reassuring Brexit update, seemingly unaware that her house is on fire.
Theresa May writes to EU to plead for a June 30th extension to her career
Theresa May has written yet another letter asking European Council President Donald Tusk to drag out her career and the Brexit process by a few more weeks.
Parliament rules that ‘Will of the people’ must not interfere with the ‘Will of the people’
The Prime minister has ignored the largest ever online petition, saying the Will of the people must not get in the way of her will of the people.
Morrissey releases meat-themed cookbook in attempt to alienate his remaining fans
80s pop star Morrissey has today released a cookbook entitled “Steakhead – Meat isn’t murder, it’s delicious” in a desperate move to stop even his most ardent fans from liking him.
Breakfast cereal boxes must look dull and boring, insist MPs
MPs have called for all breakfast cereal to be sold in plain brown packaging in further steps to stop it appealing to the children it is specifically designed for.
UK Hospitals full of blood and knife wounds claims President Trump
The President of the United States has said in a speech in front of the National Rifle Association that UK hospitals were awash with blood and were a “war zone” of knife wounds.
Dennis the Menace frustrated by Walter Rees-Moggy’s Wall of gammon
Notorious troublemaker Dennis the Menace was left frustrated today as his arch nemesis avoided confrontation by employing an angry barrier of Daily Mail readers.
New Leeds United badge shows fan checking watch to see if he can go home yet
The new club badge unveiled by Leeds United today has been designed the reflect the reality of supporting the team as it approaches its 100th year.
Boris Johnson suggests conveyor belt and zip line between UK and France
Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has suggested building a new transport link between the UK and France that could include a conveyor belt, zip line, water slide and “perhaps some kind of jetpack that the great British boffins could come up with”.
Criminals rejoice as BBC axe Crimewatch
Burglars, thieves and murderers have been celebrating today as the BBC announced an end to the long-running BBC1 programme Crimewatch.
Jacob Rees-Mogg launches Xtreme Moggmentum sports campaign
Conservative party wannabe leader Jacob Rees-Mogg was seeking further media attention today with the launch of his Xtreme Moggmentum sports campaign which he hopes will capture the imaginations of younger voters.
Public opinion of Paul Hollywood improves after photo of him dressed as Nazi emerges
The most hated man in television has had an unexpected rise in public opinion after a photo of him dressed as one of Hitler’s officers was made public.
Donald Trump uses Houston visit to promote his new range of Trump Golf Boats
The President of the United States announced today to the gathered crowds at a Texas flood rescue centre that he will be launching a range of water based golf buggies to cope with the “perfectly normal but slightly excessive water” he has seen on golf courses lately.
