Donald Trump: “I have been injecting disinfectant for years and look how great I’m doing!”

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After criticism from medical doctors across the world for suggesting that putting disinfectant inside the human body could potentially help in the fight against COVID-19, Donald Trump has insisted he’s been injecting it for years without any side effects.

Addressing reporters, Trump said, “I have a very simple regimen. Wash thirteen times a day in Domestos, dry yourself on a sunbed each time for two hours, then inject a quart of Dettol, it’s so simple, I don’t know why more people aren’t doing it.

“I’ve been doing it all my life and I look great, don’t I look great? people always say I look great.”

“I always think the best thoughts after I’ve injected my morning disinfectant. It really clears the head before the day begins. Which day, I’m never quite sure though.

“People are always asking how I remain such a very stable genius in such a stressful job, and I have to say I think it’s all the bleach I’m injecting.”

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Meanwhile, medical experts have insisted Trump’s disinfectant habit explains an awful lot.

Dr Chuck Williams told us, “I can not stress this enough, no-one, under any circumstances should be injecting bleach or disinfectant into their bodies. It will damage you and your brain beyond recognition.

“Clearly Trump has been doing this for years, but I think it says a lot about the American public’s distrust of experts that even with an admission like this, he’ll still beat Joe Biden.”

A version of this article first appeared on our Dutch partner site, De Speld.