The Conservative party announced today that they had solved child poverty by eradicating the word ‘hunger’.
For years, the Tories have been known as the nasty party, not seeming to care about the escalating issue of children from all walks of life going unfed. Concerned that during the Coronavirus pandemic the public awareness was becoming worse, an emergency meeting of the party’s inner circle was convened.
After many long hours discussing the problem over lavish meals and fine wines, Iain Duncan Smith made the announcement today that they had solved poverty by simply calling it something else.
Similar to their previous rebranding of “unemployed” as “Zero Hour Contracting”, the new definition for hunger will define a child as having eaten one meal in the last fortnight, according to new proposals unveiled today.
The new ‘zero-meal digestion’ scheme will formally recognise a meal as being any substance consumed orally within the last 14 days. Children that meet these criteria will no longer be ‘hungry’, but rather enjoying ‘zero-hour digestion’.
A celebratory feast was quickly convened at the Parliament Members’ Dining Room, where the debate on whose offshore bank accounts should be used to store all of the suddenly surplus Universal Credit money was expected to last over seven or eight courses.
The public reaction to Zero Hours Digestion has been muted, with many of those asked either shocked into silence or simply unreported by the government-sponsored media.
With the new guidelines in place the Conservatives are confident that no child in the whole of the UK will qualify as ‘hungry’. Something they expect to use in advertising alongside their record of low unemployment, for years to come.