Thursday 22 October 2020 by Mark Molloy

Government places Marcus Rashford under Tier 4 restrictions


Marcus Rashford placed under further restrictions

Footballer Marcus Rashford is to be placed under new Tier 4 restrictions by the government from tomorrow, it has been revealed.

With pressure continuing to grow on the government to help feed that nation’s hungry children, which in a caring move of solidarity was emphatically voted against by Tory MP’s yesterday, the government has moved to place the England footballer in much tougher Tier 4 restrictions from Friday.

A spokesman for the government revealed, “We have taken the unprecedented step of placing footballer Marcus Rashford under far more prohibitive Tier 4 restrictions from tomorrow.

“Frankly, he’s getting right on our nerves and we need to just shut the fucker up before he starts costing us any more money and votes.

“We have already made our position very clear on this matter, time and time again. We can afford a useless track and trace system at £12bn. We can afford an unnecessary speedy train thing at fuck knows how many billion pounds, but we can’t afford to feed desperate starving children. It’s really very simple.

“That’s why we have no had to take further action and place Marcus Rashford into tighter restrictions making it illegal for him to talk to anyone about this kind of thing, because talking spreads the virus, or to mention it on Twitter, because he’d be touching surfaces which is also bad for spreading the virus.”

Reacting to the news of the ban this morning Rashford tweeted, “It seems a bit unfair. I’d ask them to put it to a vote in parliament to try to appeal to their better nature as a whole, but you know… what’s the point.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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