Thursday 22 October 2020

Hungry children dress up as Tory donor to secure funding for meals during school holidays


Kids pretend to be party donor

A group of enterprising yet hungry young children have convinced the government to fund their meals during the school holidays by pretending to be a wealthy Tory donor.

Jake Williams, Ethan Matthews and Harry Smith, all nine years of age, travelled to London from their Manchester homes wrapped inside a big coat with one intention, putting food on their tables.

Jake, the head of their tottering Tory, told us, “I’ll be honest, we never thought this would work – it was more out of desperation than the belief we’d succeed.

“I mean, we are basically three young kids sitting on each other’s shoulders wobbling about in an oversized coat pretending to be a grown-up who gives loads of money to the Tories.

“But as soon as we told them we were significant party donors it’s like any pretence of verifying who we are or what we needed the money for completely disappeared.

“We were warmly welcomed, offered drinks and food, which we ate loads of because we’re very hungry, and then we said we needed some money for a project to help with the coronavirus pandemic.

“Honestly, I’d prepared a pitch about why it was important to feed the nation’s children, but I didn’t need any of it.  The guy at the end of the table just got out a chequebook and asked if £30m would be enough to get us started.

“I said yes, it definitely would, and he got up and left, shaking Ethan’s hand on the way out, the hand that Ethan had quickly shoved into one of the sleeves, all while thanking us for our previous support.

“I don’t know what all the grown-ups are complaining about, it’s obviously really easy to get loads of money out of the Tories.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here

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