Tommy Robinson hiring lactose tolerant bodyguards

author avatar by 5 years ago

Far-right professional bigot Tommy Robinson is running adverts in local newspapers for “big blokes who don’t mind getting a bit milky”.

Following a second incident in two days which saw him being covered in a strawberry milkshake, angry attention seeker Tommy Robinson is searching for human shields to protect him from members of the public carrying concealed dairy products.

According to the advert, which has been run in local print media after he was kicked off Facebook and Twitter, the applicants must be happy getting sprayed with white liquids or taking a ‘face full’ for their employer.

There will be on the job training for the successful applicants, who will be taught how to identify Nesquik, Frijj, Shmoo and McDonalds Thickshakes at a distance of fifty feet, as well as defensive techniques for absorbing as much of the fluids as possible before they can reach Robinson himself.

Applicants will also be tasked with detecting whether the drinks are strawberry, banana, vanilla or chocolate flavour as well as taking personal responsibility for each day’s dry cleaning.

A spokesman for the angry dwarf told us, “The threat is very real. Someone could come at Tommy with a milk carton or even a slightly melted Cornetto at any time. You’ve got to be prepared for what might come next.

“Today it might be milky drinks, but tomorrow we could be facing protein shakes, yogurts or even soft cheeses. You need a whole different defence strategy for someone coming at you with a tub of Philadelphia, that’s when you really separate the men from the boys.”