Friday 3 May 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Government declares climate emergency compelling it to ignore global warming with greater urgency


climate emergency

Parliament has declared a climate emergency which will compel the government to urgently ignore issues surrounding global warming.

MPs have approved a motion to declare an environment and climate emergency, which demonstrates the will of the Commons on the issue but does not legally compel the government to act, even though they say the definitely will.

“Look, it is fair to say that, as a Government, Brexit is really taking up a great deal of our time,” said a spokesperson for the Tory Party.

“We’ve had this big backlog of climate issues that we simply haven’t had time to ignore with the urgency that the situation demands.

“By declaring the climate emergency, we will be forced to ignore them immediately.

“No putting them to one side to try and push through Theresa’s mad Brexit plan for the seventy-ninth time. Bang! These things are getting ignored straight away.”

Tory supporters seemed supportive of the move.

“Tremendous,” said Simon Williams, a lifelong Tory voter and bicycle seat-sniffing enthusiast from Saffron Walden.

“Maybe this will put a stop to those blasted hippy layabouts in London banging on about how the planet’s going to catch fire and stopping honest chaps like me getting to meetings on time.

“It wasn’t their so-called protesting that got this climate emergency declared, was it? No. It was a Tory government, as ever.”

The effects of the new climate emergency legislation will be seen immediately, with a report yesterday into the effects of excessive rainfall on corn yield being ignored by the government straight away without any delay.

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