Jack and Jill accidentally win wheel of Gloucestershire cheese
A pair of children named Jack and Jill have accidentally won a wheel of cheese after falling down Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire.
Watchdog demands Tom Cruise change misleading movie title to ‘Mission: Extremely Difficult, But Ultimately Doable with Sufficient Resources’
An entertainment watchdog has demanded Tom Cruise change the misleading title of the ‘Mission: Impossible’ movie franchise to ‘Mission: Extremely Difficult, But Ultimately Doable with Sufficient Resources’.
Donald Trump forces South African president to watch clips from The Apprentice
Donald Trump has been criticised after ambushing South African president Cyril Ramaphosa with YouTube clips from The Apprentice.
Tesla commits to another five years of losing profits
Tesla has reaffirmed its commitment to losing billions more dollars after Elon Musk said he would remain as the company’s chief executive for at least the next five years.
Pope Leo XIV miraculously survives meeting with JD Vance
Pope Leo XIV is breathing a sigh of relief today after miraculously surviving his meeting with US Vice President and notorious pontiff-ender JD Vance.
Noel Gallagher to refer to Liam’s grandchild as ‘Rkid’s kid’s kid’
Noel Gallagher has congratulated his brother Liam after it was announced rkid’s kid was going to have a kid.
Joseph Goebbels to become pundit on Match of the Day
Match of the Day have announced that Joseph Goebbels will appear as a pundit on Match of the Day this week amid the recent controversy surrounding Gary Lineker.
Saudi Arabia criticised for ignoring USA’s appalling human rights record
Saudi Arabia have been heavily criticised for agreeing a $142bn arms deal with a country known for its appalling human rights record.
Rohan mistakes Keir Starmer’s house fire as Gondor calling for aid
The Kingdom of Rohan sent hundreds of horsemen over to Gondor yesterday after mistaking Keir Starmer’s house fire for the lighting of the beacons.
MAGA fans preparing to storm St. Peter’s Basilica should Trump lose conclave
Hundreds of crazed MAGA supporters are allegedly planning to storm St. Peter’s Basilica should Donald Trump not be selected as Pope.
Government to approve visas by assessing whether applicants are sufficiently white
It’s been revealed that the UK government is planning to introduce a new visa approval system, in which visas will be automatically granted so long as applicants are likely to be white enough.
Mark Carney forced to wear Justin Trudeau mask by Melania Trump
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has revealed he was forced to wear a Justin Trudeau mask by Melania Trump, as the First Lady continues pining for the ex-leader.
US agrees UK-style deal with Rwanda to ensure that deportation flights never take off
The United States has agreed a deal with Rwanda which will see deportation flights remain on the tarmac for the entirety of the Trump administration.
Disappointed Star Wars fan could’ve sworn Star Wars Day was May the Fifth
A man dressed as Han Solo has seemingly gotten his wires crossed after mistakenly thinking Star Wars Day was May the Fifth. “Oh, I get it now. May the Fourth sounds a lot like May the Force,” said embarrassed fan Simon Williams. “I’ve never connected that before. No wonder I saw so many people dressed
Gorilla pulls gun on 100 men
A gorilla has reportedly pulled a gun on one hundred men who broke into its enclosure looking for a fight.
UK basking in slightly above room temperature weather
Everybody in the UK is slapping on the sun cream today after it was revealed the country would be treated to slightly above room temperature weather this week.
‘We meant HUG your MP’, insist Kneecap
The Irish-language band Kneecap has attempted to clear the air by insisting they actually meant to say ‘Hug your MP’, not ‘Kill your MP’.
Donald Trump receives $5 Amazon gift card as apology from Jeff Bezos
Donald Trump has ended his short-lived feud with Jeff Bezos after the Amazon founder sent him a $5 apology gift card.
Donald Trump claims his first 100 days have actually only taken him 10 days
US President Donald Trump has today claimed that his first 100 days in office has actually only been 10 days.
Tottenham to hold open-top bus parade to celebrate Arsenal not winning title
Tottenham Hotspur have announced they will have their own open-top bus parade to celebrate Arsenal not winning this year’s Premier League title.
‘My nan had a much bigger turnout’, Prince William tells cardinals
Prince William has been overheard reminding cardinals about the poor turnout to Pope Francis’s funeral, according to sources at the Vatican.
Trump administration begins conclave to select which lunatic will replace Elon Musk
The Trump administration has today locked themselves in the White House Cabinet Room to vote for a successor to the departing Elon Musk.
World begging Trump to sit out India-Pakistan feud
The entire world is begging Donald Trump to sit out the India-Pakistan feud following his previous futile attempts at brokering peace in Ukraine and Gaza.
Holly and Phil skip queue to see Pope Francis’s casket
Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield have arrived at Pope Francis’ casket, carrying on their longstanding tradition of skipping the queue to mourn a head of state.
Gen Z Pope confirmed as watermelon-scented smoke rises from the chimney
The Catholic Church has confirmed the next Pope is from Generation Z after watermelon-scented smoke was released from the Sistine Chapel chimney.
New Toby Carvery mysteriously appears next to Sycamore Gap stump
Visitors to Hadrian’s Wall were shocked today after discovering that a brand new Toby Carvery had mysteriously appeared next to the stump of the Sycamore Gap.
Liz Truss furious after rival social media platform set up by lettuce
Former Prime Minister Liz Truss is furious today upon discovering a lettuce has set up a social media network to rival her planned ‘free speech’ network for the UK.
Bernie Sanders to headline Glastonbury
Days after his surprise appearance at Coachella, it’s been announced that US Senator Bernie Sanders will be headlining this year’s Glastonbury Festival.
The Last of Us fans forced to wait entire week for next episode like goddamn cavemen
Fans of the hit TV series The Last of Us are furious today upon learning they have to wait a full week before they can watch the next episode like they’re some sort of fucking cavemen.
Trump uses Wotsit to unlock iPhone
Apple’s facial recognition software has been criticised by Donald Trump, after the US President realised he could unlock his iPhone with a Wotsit.
