Bernie Sanders to headline Glastonbury

Days after his surprise appearance at Coachella, it’s been announced that US Senator Bernie Sanders will be headlining this year’s Glastonbury Festival.

The 83-year-old was in fine form at Coachella as he spent three hours slagging off Donald Trump, with the famous curmudgeon now due to appear at his second festival after landing the Sunday Legends slot at Glastonbury.

“He agreed to headline as long as we turn the music down,” said festival co-organiser Emily Eavis.

“It’s a real coup to have him perform at the festival. He promises to do all the hits. “Down With the Oligarchy”, “Equal Pay for All”, “Donny is a Tosser”. I personally can’t wait to see it.

“We’ve upped our security significantly too. Not because of any safety issues, but because it took about six blokes to drag him off stage at Coachella. When he’s going off on one it’s pretty hard to stop him. Plus, he bites.

“Rod Stewart hasn’t taken the news that well. We promised he could make a twat of himself in next year’s Legends slot instead. I know his fans will be disappointed, but to make it up to them we did ask Bernie if he’d agree to wear leopard-skin hot pants. His team hasn’t got back to us yet.

“Fingers crossed.”