Tesla to wind down production of its D*ckhead Identification System
Tesla has announced it will wind down production of its D*ckhead Identification System, also known as the Cybertruck.
Far-right devastated to learn Guy Fawkes was an English national and not an asylum seeker
Members of the far-right have been left devastated today after learning terrorist plotter Guy Fawkes was in fact an English national, and not an asylum seeker who arrived on a small boat.
Elon Musk to cut out the middleman and toss next $500m political donation directly into a woodchipper
Republican mega-donor Elon Musk has decided his next $500m donation will be thrown directly into the nearest woodchipper after his last one did absolutely f**k all.
‘What a win!’ says jubilant Donald Trump, claiming he’s always been a Democrat
US President Donald Trump is ecstatic today after his party, the Democrats, won back control of Congress.
Alton Towers considering future of ‘Andrew Land’
Following the closure of The World of David Walliams, Alton Towers is now considering the future of Andrew Land as well.
US Capitol hiring thousands of extra security guards ‘just in case’
The US Capitol Building has decided to hire thousands of extra security guards just in case the Democrats win and Donald Trump incites yet another angry mob.
Patriot undergoes successful surgery to become 99% poppy
A patriot has become the poppiest poppy in the history of poppies following a successful surgery to make himself 99% poppy.
Reform orders 500 mannequins as seat fillers for Nigel Farage’s next speech
Hoping to avoid a repeat of Nigel Farage’s half-empty pre-Budget speech, Reform UK have ordered 500 mannequins as backup seat fillers.
King Charles criticised for arriving in Caribbean with cornrows
King Charles has been criticised after arriving for his Caribbean tour with his hair braided into cornrows.
Italians riot as tourist orders cappuccino after 11am
Italians are rioting across the country after a tourist decided to order a cappuccino at 11:05am.
‘We’re usually the ones defending the paedophiles’ admits BBC lawyer in Trump defamation case
The BBC lawyer in the Donald Trump defamation case says he sees the irony of the situation, as his clients are usually the ones defending the paedophiles, not going up against them.
US special envoy praises ‘humanitarian’ Vladimir Putin before next meeting with ‘philanthropist’ Kim Jong Un
US special envoy Steve Witkoff has labelled Russian President Vladimir Putin a ‘humanitarian’, before quickly jetting off to his next meeting with ‘philanthropist’ Kim Jong Un.
Greta Thunberg’s flotilla sets sail for Downing Street
Greta Thunberg has set sail for Downing Street after the government’s announcement on Jackdaw drilling, with the climate activist now expected to give Andy Burnham the biggest bollocking of his life.
‘F**k it, BBC One’s going as well,’ announces BBC
In a short statement containing nothing but the words ‘F**k it’, the BBC has announced that BBC One will also be cut next year.
Man accused of sexual assault announces that another man accused of sexual assault to lead Women’s Health Task Force
A man who has been accused of sexual assault has announced that another man accused of sexual assault will lead a women’s health task force.
French sommelier recommends the perfect bottle to stuff a flaming rag into
A French sommelier is using his expertise to recommend to rioters which bottle to use as a Molotov cocktail, it has been revealed.
Tesla’s new flying car officially named ‘Shitty Shitty Bang Bang’
Tesla’s new flying car will be universally known as ‘Shitty Shitty Bang Bang’, CEO Elon Musk has confirmed.
Mark Zuckerberg malfunctions after sip of Guinness damages his CPU
Meta owner Mark Zuckerberg has malfunctioned, after a video of him sipping a pint of Guinness showed the billionaire’s CPU catching on fire.
World in agreement that Donald Trump should fight a tiger for real
After posting a distasteful AI-generated video of himself fighting a tiger, the world has today agreed that Donald Trump should fight a tiger in real life.
‘Nonce Glasses in Operation’ t-shirt to be worn by all Meta glasses owners
Anyone wearing Meta glasses will be forced to wear a fluorescent ‘Nonce Glasses in Operation’ t-shirt, after the European Union’s central data regulator said smart glasses should have clear warnings when they are recording.
New White House press secretary just a parrot repeating the phrase ‘Trump Good President’
The new White House press secretary has been revealed to be a parrot continually repeating the phrase ‘Trump good president’.
Pope’s lung cancer not my doing, insists Pope-killer JD Vance
Despite meeting Pope Francis just hours before he died, US Vice President JD Vance has insisted Pope Leo’s newly diagnosed lung cancer has nothing to do with him.
Coldplay to play halftime show of Pete Hegseths’ live-streamed firing squad execution
US Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth has announced the execution of a former US Army major by firing squad will be live-streamed, with Coldplay set to play the halftime show.
Everyone surprised to find out Royal Navy spy isn’t Andrew
The nation has admitted its surprise today after finding out the Royal Navy service member charged with spying for a foreign country isn’t Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
Tom Cruise vows to kill one hostage a day until Digger breaks even
Tom Cruise has vowed to kill one hostage per day until his new film Digger breaks even at the box office.
French baby born holding placard and petrol bomb, confirms hospital
With yet another protest taking place in France, Lariboisière Hospital in Paris has confirmed that a baby has been born holding a placard and a petrol bomb.
Fears grow that high diesel prices could lead to more cyclists
People in the UK are terrified today after considering the possibility that high diesel prices could lead to an increase in cyclists.
Woman survives two minutes in Primark
With death row inmate Christa Pike surviving two lethal injections, another story of resilience has emerged after a woman in the UK survived two minutes in Primark.
Flydubai attacker would’ve been sucked out our windows, says Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary
Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary says the Flydubai incident would never have happened on a Ryanair flight, as the attacker would’ve already been sucked out of one of the windows.
‘Sheikh Mansour Airlines’ is a completely legitimate sponsor, insists Man City
Manchester City have told football authorities that ‘Sheikh Mansour Airlines’ is a completely legitimate shirt sponsor, it has been revealed.
