US special envoy praises ‘humanitarian’ Vladimir Putin before next meeting with ‘philanthropist’ Kim Jong Un

US special envoy Steve Witkoff has labelled Russian President Vladimir Putin a ‘humanitarian’, before quickly jetting off to his next meeting with ‘philanthropist’ Kim Jong Un.

Witkoff made the comments during a Ukraine “peace” meeting with Putin in St Petersburg, though the US special envoy seemed to be saving his best sycophancy for his trip to Pyongyang. 

“You’re a philanthropist, Mr Un, plain and simple,” said Witkoff, shaking hands with the North Korean dictator.

“And boy, aren’t you handsome? I bet you get all the women, huh? Honestly, if I weren’t straight, I’d be hitting on a hunk like you any day. What do you bench? Like 300, 400 pounds? Woo-ee! What a strapping young boy.

“So intelligent, too. Mensa called, they want to know how you got so smart! You probably put together those missiles yourself, didn’t you? We got a regular Mr Einstein over here! We can get you some bigger nukes if you’d like? Don’t worry. I know the President. He’s a hot piece of ass, just like yourself. 

“Man, you’re great! Just look at all these people cheering for you. Some might say they look a tad malnourished, and those people you shot trying to cross the border are starting to smell, but I can tell you treat these people right. Forget Mother Teresa, Mother Kim is in the house!

“Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got a meeting with some human rights activists. I don’t want the Taliban to think I’m rude.”

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