Petrol stations offering litre of diesel in exchange for firstborn child
Petrol stations across the UK have announced a special deal today, with drivers able to get a litre of diesel in exchange for their firstborn child.
RAF Fairford suspects chased down by Gloucestershire residents pretending they were wheels of cheese
The five men arrested in connection with a major incident near RAF Fairford were chased down by Gloucestershire residents after police told them to pretend the assailants were wheels of cheese.
Donald Trump repeatedly refers to President Xi as ‘President Eleven’
Donald Trump has been mistakenly referring to Chinese President Xi Jinping as ‘President Eleven’ during his Washington visit, it has been revealed.
Trump overheard asking President Xi if the pandas know kung fu
Donald Trump has been overheard asking President Xi if the two giant pandas being gifted to the US know any kung fu.
Nation votes to send Jacob Rees-Mogg to fight Russia by himself
The entire UK has voted to send Jacob Rees-Mogg to fight Russia alone, after he said people may need to join the armed services should a future war break out.
President Trump becomes mime due to lack of microphones
President Trump has resorted to becoming a mime after the press pool blackout meant there was a lack of microphones documenting his events.
Frodo and Sam stranded on Mount Doom following air traffic control glitch grounding all eagles
Frodo Baggins and his companion Samwise Gamgee are currently stranded on the side of Mount Doom after an air traffic control glitch grounded eagles across Middle Earth.
Trump triumphal arch to feature golden, winged Jeffrey Epstein
US President Donald Trump has said his proposed triumphal arch will feature a golden, winged Jeffrey Epstein on the top of the structure.
CNN reporters smuggled into White House inside a catering truck
CNN reporters have allegedly been smuggled into the White House inside a catering truck after being banned by President Trump.
King Charles releases Earl Spencer diss track
King Charles has responded to claims made in Earl Spencer’s new book by releasing a diss track against his former brother-in-law.
Donald Trump Jr’s wedding bankrolled by Hans Gruber, wife confirms
Donald Trump Jr’s wife has revealed that international thief Hans Gruber contributed thousands of dollars towards their wedding.
Benjamin Netanyahu confirmed as new support act for Ed Sheeran tour
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been confirmed as the new support act for Ed Sheeran’s tour after everyone else quit.
‘AI doesn’t need regulation’, insists man depicting himself as Jesus on Truth Social
President Trump has hit back at calls to regulate AI, whilst simultaneously posting an AI-generated picture of himself as Jesus on Truth Social.
Anthropic boss to slow down AI development after naked Austrian man steals his clothes, his boots and his motorcycle
Anthropic boss Dario Amodei has called for a slower pace in the development of artificial intelligence after a naked man with an Austrian accent stole his clothes, his boots and his motorcycle.
Apple unveils first foldable CEO
In an effort to keep up with the competition, US tech company Apple have unveiled their first ever foldable CEO.
Stolen Renoir paintings acquired by British Museum after mistakenly thinking they were African
Four stolen Renoir paintings have been discovered inside the British Museum after the institution acquired them under the false assumption they were looted from Africa.
Car windows smashed ‘peacefully’, insist Portsmouth protesters
The masked men protesting a migrant crossing in Portsmouth have insisted that car windows were smashed ‘peacefully’.
Base camp established at mountain of oyster shells left behind at Reform conference
A camp has been established at the base of a mountain of oyster shells left behind at the Reform party conference, it has been revealed.
Mixologists agree to rename Guinness with a champagne top as ‘The Grifter’
In honour of Nigel Farage, mixologists around the country have renamed the Guinness and champagne cocktail ‘Black Velvet’ to ‘The Grifter’.
Andy Burnham reduces UK debt with discount code DEBT10
Prime Minister Andy Burnham has decreased the national debt by 10% with the discount code DEBT10.
Nigel Farage spotted catching stray Tories with a giant net
Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has been seen catching stray Tories with a giant net following the Conservative Party’s latest shadow cabinet reshuffle.
Google Maps renamed ‘Pedophile Sympathizer Maps’
After changing Lake Ontario to Lake America on their platforms, the American tech company Google has announced they’re renaming Google Maps to ‘Pedophile Sympathizer Maps’.
Rocky Balboa gets salmonella
World champion boxer Rocky Balboa has been infected with salmonella, after drinking six raw eggs during his training camp in the UK.
Donald Trump threatens to rename Ryan Reynolds
The feud between the United States and Canada has reached new heights, with President Trump threatening to rename Ryan Reynolds ‘Chad Reynolds’ instead.
Heaven votes unanimously to replace God with Dolly Parton
The residents of Heaven have today confirmed they are replacing God with Dolly Parton, acknowledging that she did more for Earth than He ever did.
Ukraine concerned to find ‘ACME’ written on UK missiles
Ukraine has aired their concerns today after receiving blueprints for the UK’s Storm Shadow with ‘ACME’ written on the side of the missiles.
Drooling Donald Trump mistakenly referring to Natalie Harp as ‘Ivanka’
A drooling Donald Trump has been repeatedly referring to his aide Natalie Harp as ‘Ivanka’, it has been revealed.
Harry and Meghan to arrive on a small boat just for the fun of it
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have arrived back in the UK on a small boat, just for the sheer thrill of watching certain people absolutely lose their minds.
Donald Trump and Natalie Harp get matching catering carts
US President Donald Trump and his closest aide Natalie Harp have taken their relationship to the next level by hiding in matching catering carts.
‘Meta would never harm a child’ insists Mark Zuckerberg luring Hansel and Gretel into his cake-house
Meta owner Mark Zuckerberg insists his company has never been used to harm a child, despite reports of Hansel and Gretel being lured into his house made of cake.
