Heaven votes unanimously to replace God with Dolly Parton

The residents of Heaven have today confirmed they are replacing God with Dolly Parton, acknowledging that she did more for the people on Earth than He ever did.

The vote allegedly took place as soon as Dolly entered through The Pearly Gates, with the universally-beloved singer winning by a margin of 100%.

“We were hoping not to see her this soon, but she deserves a rest after all she’s given,” said God, gracious in defeat.

“Honestly, I’m just completely in awe. I’m supposed to be the almighty, but really Dolly is the one we should all be looking up to. A terrific songwriter, singer, fashion icon, and more importantly, a kind and compassionate woman. I’m more than happy to be replaced by her, to tell you the truth.

“She was equally loved by Republicans and Democrats. Do you realise how difficult that is? Literally the only people on Earth who don’t love her unconditionally are the nutjob anti-vaxxers, and given they’re all going downstairs anyway, their views just further prove how ready Dolly is for the top job.

“She literally gifted 300 million books to children worldwide through her Imagination Library. She’s raised millions for the American Red Cross, The Salvation Army, medical research, wildfire relief, flooding support, vaccines, and hurricanes. You name it, she donated money to it. That’s just the kind of person she is. She proved to the world that you can be immensely wealthy, and also not an asshole – unlike some people you’re currently picturing.

“There’s even been calls around here to rename Heaven ‘Dollywood’. I say let’s do it. She’s more than earned that kind of praise. It’d be an absolute honour to name it after her.

“Or ‘Her’, I should probably say.”