Air Force One announces Huggies sponsorship
The US presidential aircraft Air Force One has signed a brand new sponsorship deal with Huggies, the White House has confirmed.
Cristiano Ronaldo enters final year of holding back his teammates
Football legend Cristiano Ronaldo has hinted that the 2026/27 season may be his final year of holding back his teammates.
Novelty candidate wins Clacton by-election
The Clacton by-election has been won by a novelty candidate, following the announcement that Reform UK leader Nigel Farage had been victorious.
Count Binface mistaken for a ballot box
Clacton by-election candidate Count Binface is being repeatedly mistaken for a ballot box, a poll clerk has revealed.
Ricky Gervais invents new language made up entirely of the word ‘c*nt’
Comedian and actor Ricky Gervais has announced he’s invented a brand new language made up almost entirely of the word ‘c*nt’.
‘I was never hidden inside a catering truck’ insists Donald Trump with piece of kebab hanging out of his mouth
US president Donald Trump has insisted he was never in a Turkish catering truck, despite a long sliver of doner kebab meat hanging from the side of his mouth.
Firefighters unable to tackle New Forest wildfire after discovering data centres have used all their water
Firefighters battling the blaze in New Forest have suddenly run out of water after discovering it was all being used to cool down data centres.
‘HS2 would also disturb Dobby’s grave’ claims Harry Potter fan
Harry Potter fans have demanded the cancellation of HS2 after claiming the railway line would disturb Dobby the House Elf’s grave.
Spain-Italy feud escalates after Spanish Prime Minister snaps spaghetti in half
The relationship between Spain and Italy has further deteriorated after the Spanish Prime Minister snapped a handful of dry spaghetti in half on live TV.
Gun-wielding Gianni Infantino refusing to leave FIFA offices
A gun-wielding Gianni Infantino is currently refusing to leave the FIFA offices as pressure continues to mount on him to resign.
Heinrich Himmler withdraws as Tory election candidate
Heinrich Himmler has stepped down as the Conservative candidate for a council election after massive backlash against his selection.
Fairy-tale ending as plucky underdogs BP oil double their profits
A heart-warming story has gripped the nation today, after plucky underdogs BP oil announced they’d more than doubled their profits.
Translator of original ‘Spider-Man: Brand New Day’ text criticises new film
A university scholar who translated the ancient text of ‘Spider-Man: Brand New Day’ has criticised the new film, calling it a ‘travesty’.
Baldrick investigated by standards watchdog
Baldrick is being investigated by a standards watchdog for the failure to disclose a cunning plan, it has been announced. A loyal squire to Prince Edmund, who is also being investigated by the same standards watchdog, Baldrick will now have to wait nervously until the commissioner decides whether or not to behead him. “We have
Donald Trump cancels Iran strikes after decision-making coin lands on heads
Donald Trump has called off his latest strikes on Iran after the coin he flips to make important decisions landed on heads.
On-fire climate change denier continuing to insist everything is totally fine
A climate change denier has insisted that everything is absolutely fine, despite his entire body being engulfed in flames.
99% of VPNs downloaded with trousers around ankles, finds new study
A new study has revealed that 99% of the nation’s VPN downloads occurred whilst trousers were being shimmied down to the user’s ankles.
‘You should be arrested for threatening social media posts,’ insists man who said Lucy Connolly shouldn’t be arrested for threatening social media posts
Nigel Farage has changed his mind and decided that threatening posts on social media shouldn’t be tolerated, but only if the threat is directed towards him.
Pepto-Bismol ‘Diarrhoea Man’ enters Clacton by-election
The Pepto-Bismol ‘Diarrhoea Man’ will stand in the Clacton by-election, it has been announced.
Tony Soprano to collect 20% protection fee for Strait of Hormuz
US president Donald Trump has appointed Tony Soprano to oversee the Strait of Hormuz, with all cargo ships paying him a 20% protection fee.
Americans and Brits get into fist-fight over pronunciation of ‘Dune’
A huge brawl has broken out today after a group of Americans and Brits started arguing about the correct pronunciation of ‘Dune’.
The Times criticised for publishing photo of Count Binface’s home on planet Sigma IX
The Times newspaper has been criticised for publishing a photo of Count Binface’s metallic bungalow on his home planet of Sigma IX.
Alderaan destruction just ‘one murder’, insists Rupert Lowe
Restore Britain leader Rupert Lowe has caused further outrage by claiming the destruction of Alderaan was just ‘one murder’.
Nigel Farage debuts new ‘Count Washing Machine’ persona in desperate attempt to boost popularity
Nigel Farage has been seen walking around with a washing machine on his head in a desperate attempt to emulate Count Binface’s popularity.
‘Leave means leave’ not applicable to parliamentary resignations, insists Nigel Farage
Nigel Farage has insisted that his favourite line ‘Leave Means Leave’ doesn’t apply to resignations from Parliament.
Lamppost flags at half-mast following Nigel Farage’s resignation
St George’s flags have been lowered to half-mast on lampposts across the UK following Nigel Farage’s resignation as a Member of Parliament.
Public holiday declared after Trump’s state fair attendance reaches double figures
The United States have declared a public holiday to celebrate the Great American State Fair reaching double figures in attendance.
Gary Glitter recruited by Raise the Colours
Raise the Colours have recruited Gary Glitter after one of their members was charged with making indecent images of children.
98% of Americans pretty sure Bosnia is somewhere in Africa, study reveals
After the United States knocked Bosnia out of the World Cup, a new study has revealed that 98% of Americans think Bosnia and Herzegovina is somewhere in Africa.
Keir Starmer denies using drone to drop dog shit on Andy Burnham’s doorstep
Outgoing Prime Minister Keir Starmer has denied accusations that he used one of the UK’s new military drones to drop a massive pile of dog shit on Andy Burnham’s doorstep.
