Heinrich Himmler withdraws as Tory election candidate

Heinrich Himmler has stepped down as the Conservative candidate for a council election after massive backlash against his selection.

Himmler’s candidacy had been defended by Tory leader Kemi Badenoch, who claimed the former leader of the SS had been completely rehabilitated. 

“I’m disappointed, but I have to accept that it’s not the right time for me to re-enter politics,” said Himmler, hanging up his blue rosette.

“It’s no secret that I’ve done some terrible things in the past, of which I’m utterly ashamed. However, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be given a second chance. Both myself and Kemi believe in rehabilitation, so that’s why it’s such a shame I couldn’t run for the Conservative Party in the upcoming council election.

“It’s really silly that we can’t just let bygones be bygones. My time leading the Schutzstaffel ended over 80 years ago, so why can’t we just forgive and forget?

“I truly believe I could’ve contributed some positive changes to the people of Crewkerne. Unfortunately, they’ll never get to hear those ideas now.

“Look, I don’t like the word ‘woke’, but that’s exactly what this is. It’s a coordinated attack from the left to stop me from standing.

“Having said that, I’m happy to accept Kemi’s generous offer to be an anti-extremism adviser to the Conservatives. Hopefully my experience of murdering all those innocent people can be useful to the party.”

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