Nigel Farage disappointed after misunderstanding Wimbledon’s all-white policy
Reform UK leader Nigel Farage says he’s disappointed today after misunderstanding Wimbledon’s all-white policy.
Door to Number 10 North to be made entirely from Steak Bakes
Andy Burnham has announced that the door to Number 10 North will be made entirely out of Greggs steak bakes.
Ben Stokes announces England retirement after reaching century of knockouts
An emotional Ben Stokes has retired from international cricket after knocking out the last opponent of his career.
Wife discovers puddle where husband used to be
A wife has discovered a puddle where her husband used to be, as the UK continues to swelter in the heatwave.
Ghostbusters mistake reflecting pool water for ectoplasmic residue
The Ghostbusters have mistaken the green algae in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool for ectoplasmic residue, Ray Stantz has revealed.
“I wish I’d taken that £5 million now” admits Keir Starmer
Outgoing Prime Minister Keir Starmer admits he should’ve taken that £5 million gift offered to him by a crypto billionaire when he had the chance. Wishing he’d have followed in the footsteps of Nigel Farage, Keir Starmer says he was offered a big cheque by a dodgy businessman in Thailand, but chose not to take
Keir Starmer to become a toolmaker
Keir Starmer has resigned as Prime Minister and Labour leader to fulfil his lifelong dream of becoming a toolmaker.
Donald Trump confirms Iran peace deal moves World Cup final to Tehran
Donald Trump has confirmed the 2026 World Cup final will be relocated to Tehran as part of the United States’ deal with Iran.
Gullible idiot already working out England’s route to the final
A gullible idiot is already working out England’s route to the World Cup final on his wall chart, according to his wife this morning.
Donald Trump asked to turn Chicago River green for St. Patrick’s Day
The city of Chicago has asked Donald Trump to turn the Chicago River green next St. Patrick’s Day after doing such a great job with the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.
Thieves list Harry Kane on eBay
Harry Kane has appeared on eBay overnight, after thieves broke into a van and stole the England captain.
United States’ opening match attended by 500,000 fans, claims Donald Trump
The United States’ opening match versus Paraguay was attended by over half a million fans, Donald Trump has estimated.
“I would trade all one trillion dollars for just one real friend” confirms Elon Musk
The world’s first trillionaire, Elon Musk, has today confirmed he would trade every single penny of his $1,000,000,000,000 net worth for just one real friend.
Barred Somali referee awarded Nobel Peace Prize just to annoy Trump
Just to annoy Donald Trump, Somali referee Omar Artan has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize after he was barred from entering the United States.
World Cup coverage of Mexico to be given sepia filter
Coverage of the World Cup’s opening game will be given a yellowish filter to show audiences at home that the match is taking place in Mexico.
Patriots demonstrate commitment to equality with promise to riot for all of last year’s 49,151 knife crimes
The UK is to have a riot for every single knife crime that occurred in 2025 in the name of equality, it has emerged.
“Who let him in?” asks former Immigration Minister that let him in
Robert Jenrick has asked who granted the Belfast attacker a five-year visa to remain, before quickly realising it was him.
Katy Perry revealed as Artemis III commander
Katy Perry has been promoted to commander of the Artemis III mission, NASA has announced.
West Ham quietly scrap plans for ‘David Sullivan Stand’
West Ham United have quietly scrapped plans for a ‘David Sullivan Stand’ at the London Stadium, it’s been revealed.
Ceasefire going swimmingly
The ceasefire between the US, Israel and Iran is going absolutely swimmingly, representatives of each country have insisted.
Nation collapses in shock as Andy Burnham reveals true desire to become Prime Minister
Thousands of people across the UK have fainted today after Andy Burnham revealed his true desire to become Prime Minister.
Donald Trump aces new cognitive test distinguishing between reflecting pools and skyscrapers
Donald Trump has “aced” a brand new cognitive test asking him to distinguish between pictures of reflecting pools and skyscrapers, the US president has revealed.
Apple Store to be looted in the name of justice
A group of patriots have announced they will loot their local Apple Store in the name of justice.
Donald Trump to fight own narcolepsy at White House UFC event
US president Donald Trump will fight against his own narcolepsy at UFC Freedom 250, the White House has announced.
Nigel Farage lured back into Parliament by £5m cheque attached to fishing line
The absent MP Nigel Farage has finally been lured back into Parliament after he was seen chasing a £5m cheque hooked onto a fishing line.
Small boats spotted entering landlocked Makerfield
Hundreds of small boats have been spotted entering the landlocked Makerfield constituency, according to Reform UK.
Donald Trump withdraws from Donald Trump’s Freedom 250 event
Donald Trump is the latest person to withdraw from the Freedom 250 festival, it has been revealed.
Next week’s ‘Question Time’ to consist of five AI-generated Zia Yusufs
Next week’s edition of ‘Question Time’ will consist of five AI-generated Zia Yusufs, the BBC has confirmed.
Nike confirms new UK sweatshop to increase youth employment
Sportswear brand Nike has agreed to build a new sweatshop in the UK after the number of young people not in employment or education reached one million people.
Tony Blair still a thing, apparently
Despite trying our very best to forget him, the UK has been cruelly reminded that Tony Blair still opens his mouth from time to time.
