Sweat gushes from train doors like elevator scene in The Shining
Passengers have been swept away in a tsunami of their own sweat after the doors opened on a packed commuter train at London Paddington.
£400,000 was an unconditional gift, claims SNP’s Peter Murrell
Former SNP chief executive Peter Murrell has insisted the £400,000 he embezzled from the party was actually an unconditional gift.
Arsenal players swap champagne for Manchester City tears
In a petty retaliation, Arsenal players have decided to swap the usual celebratory bottles of champagne with bottles of Manchester City tears.
Jury reaches unanimous verdict that Elon Musk and Sam Altman are both massive c**ts
The jury in the Elon Musk vs Sam Altman trial have all agreed that both of them are massive c**ts.
Keir Starmer to endorse Reform in Makerfield by-election
Prime Minister Keir Starmer is set to endorse Reform UK in the upcoming Makerfield by-election, according to Downing Street sources.
‘£1.4 million property purely for security reasons’ insists Nigel Farage
Nigel Farage has insisted the £1.4 million property he paid for in cash shortly after receiving £5 million from Christopher Harborne is purely for security purposes.
Keir Starmer arrives at work wearing Andy Burnham mask
Keir Starmer has arrived to work this morning wearing an Andy Burnham mask, Downing Street sources have revealed.
Trump relishing the opportunity to fall asleep in meetings in China
Donald Trump is apparently relishing the opportunity of falling asleep during his meeting with Xi Jinping, White House sources have revealed.
Donald Trump mistakenly referring to President Xi as ‘President Eleven’
Donald Trump has been mistakenly referring to Chinese president Xi Jinping as ‘President Eleven’, it has been revealed.
Chris Mason and Beth Rigby pin down helpless delivery driver emerging from Number 10
Political editors Chris Mason and Beth Rigby had to be dragged away from a helpless delivery driver after they pinned him down and demanded answers about Keir Starmer.
Keir Starmer reappoints Peter Mandelson in last-ditch attempt to increase popularity
Facing increasing pressure to resign, Prime Minister Keir Starmer has re-appointed Peter Mandelson as a last-ditch attempt to increase his popularity.
Reform voters wondering why Nigel Farage hasn’t moved into Number 10 yet
Following the party’s strong showing in the Holyrood, Senedd and English council elections last week, Reform UK voters are apparently confused as to why Nigel Farage hasn’t moved into 10 Downing Street yet.
Richard Dawkins proposes to vacuum cleaner with wig on it
After concluding that AI is conscious, the evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins has stepped up his relationship with machines by proposing to a vacuum cleaner with a brunette wig plopped on top of it.
Boris Johnson already planning hantavirus lockdown party
Former Prime Minister Boris Johnson is already stocking up on booze for his hantavirus lockdown party, it has been revealed.
Reform supporters trying to figure out where they’ve seen concentration camps before
Reform UK supporters are frantically trying to remember where they’ve seen concentration camps before, after the party announced it would open migrant detention centres in areas that vote for the Green Party.
Confused Trump shouting out “D5!” to sink Iranian ships
A confused Donald Trump is wondering why shouting out random letter and number combinations from the game ‘Battleship’ isn’t sinking any Iranian boats.
Nigel Farage spotted using giant novelty cheque as milkshake shield
Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has been spotted using a giant novelty cheque as a milkshake shield following reports he accepted a £5 million gift to pay for ‘personal protection’.
Donald Trump awarded Paedophile of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire (PBE)
King Charles III has awarded US president Donald Trump the title of Paedophile of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, it has been confirmed.
Trump boys attempt to ‘Parent Trap’ their dad and Mojtaba Khamenei
The Trump boys have decided to speed up peace negotiations between the US and Iran by attempting to ‘Parent Trap’ their dad and Mojtaba Khamenei.
Bill Murray to appear in ‘Groundhog Day 2: The Strait of Hormuz’
Comedy legend Bill Murray is set to star in ‘Groundhog Day 2: The Strait of Hormuz’, it has been revealed.
Netanyahu’s hands begin shaking after suffering genocide withdrawal symptoms
Following the announcement of Israel’s ten-day ceasefire with Lebanon, sources have confirmed Benjamin Netanyahu has been suffering with severe withdrawal symptoms after not being allowed to kill anyone for the last few hours.
Keir Starmer not aware of anybody named Peter Mandelson, insists government
Keir Starmer has never even heard of anybody by the name of Peter Mandelson, a government spokesperson has said.
Michael Jackson fans dusting off their ‘he had a difficult childhood’ defence
With the Michael Jackson biopic ‘Michael’ coming to cinemas on the 22nd of April, fans are dusting off their ‘he had a difficult childhood’ defence in preparation for the film’s release.
Pope notified about new Trump insults by orange smoke rising from the chimney
From now on Pope Leo will be notified about any new insults from Donald Trump by looking up to see orange smoke coming from the Sistine Chapel chimney.
Galileo spotted with MAGA hat after Trump attacks the Pope
World-famous astronomer Galileo Galilei has been pictured wearing a Make America Great Again hat after Donald Trump and JD Vance attacked the Pope.
Doctor seen turning water into wine
After Donald Trump claimed an AI-generated image of himself as Jesus was actually depicting himself as a doctor, GPs across the country have since been spotted performing a series of miracles.
Trump and Pope continue public spat about who has met the most paedophiles
Donald Trump and Pope Leo’s feud has escalated today after the pair began arguing about who has met the most paedophiles. Trump criticised the Pope in a post on Truth Social, calling the pontiff ‘WEAK on crime’, with the two now taking their rivalry to the next level by tallying up who has met the
Viktor Orbán was winning by a landslide until photo with JD Vance, finds report
The outgoing Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán was on course for a landslide victory until being photographed alongside JD Vance, a new report has found.
Donald Trump spotted with eye patch and parrot on his shoulder
US President Donald Trump has been spotted with an eye patch and parrot on his shoulder after insisting he would blockade any ships trying to leave or enter the Strait of Hormuz.
Melania Trump body double denies connections to Jeffrey Epstein body double
After the real Melania Trump denied having any connection to Jeffrey Epstein, Melania’s body double has now come forward to deny any connection to Jeffrey Epstein’s body double.
