Keir Starmer reappoints Peter Mandelson in last-ditch attempt to increase popularity

Facing increasing pressure to resign, Prime Minister Keir Starmer has re-appointed Peter Mandelson as a last-ditch attempt to increase his popularity.

So far more than 60 Labour MPs have called for the Prime Minister to resign or set out a timetable for his departure, though Starmer believes the hugely popular Peter Mandelson could sway their thinking.

“Everyone loves Peter Mandelson, right?” said Keir Starmer, running out of ideas. 

“So what if he was best pals with one of the world’s most notorious paedophiles? That doesn’t mean he’s not a gifted statesman. I’m sure as soon as Petey comes back, all this animosity towards me will blow over. Everyone loves them some Mandy. 

“Oh, we’re up to 70 Labour MPs calling for my head now? Well, there’s no need to panic. They clearly haven’t heard about the Mandelson news yet. I can’t wait to see their faces when Petey takes his place next to me as Chancellor of the Exchequer. They won’t be able to contain their joy. I’m getting a bit giddy myself just thinking about it.

“Hmmmm. Up to 81 MPs now. That technically means they have enough support to trigger a leadership contest.

“Shit, I hope they don’t put their support behind Peter Mandelson. He’s so popular he’d probably beat me by a landslide.”

Advertisement

TopicalT-shirts

Wear your opinions and maybe even annoy a politician or two!

See the full collection →