Labour to fix everything by replacing Keir Starmer with someone precisely as popular as Keir Starmer
by Rich Smith 6 months ago 
Labour insiders have confirmed the party is preparing to solve its catastrophic collapse in popularity by replacing Keir Starmer with another senior Labour figure who is expected to become equally unpopular within roughly eight months.
Following disastrous local election results and growing unrest among MPs, party strategists now believe the answer lies in swapping one broadly uninspiring centrist administrator for another broadly uninspiring centrist administrator, but with a slightly different haircut and preferred podcast appearances.
A Labour source said, “The British public have made it crystal clear that they are deeply unhappy with Keir Starmer specifically, which is why we’re considering replacing him with someone who has agreed with him on absolutely everything for the last five years.”
Potential successors include Wes Streeting, Angela Rayner, and “a smiley face drawn on a balloon with a red rosette stuck to it”.
Voters are expected to react positively to the move in exactly the same way they reacted positively when the Conservatives fixed fourteen years of decline by repeatedly changing leaders from Boris Johnson to Liz Truss to Rishi Sunak and then finally to “whoever happened to be nearest the dispatch box at the time”.
Political analyst Simon Williams explained, “History shows that if your party is fundamentally disconnected from the electorate, changing the person standing in front of the logo solves everything immediately.
“Just look how brilliantly it worked for the Conservatives, who successfully transformed themselves from unelectable into extremely unelectable.”
Labour MPs insist the public is crying out for “a fresh face”, although privately many admit that after a year in office, the new leader will likely be denounced as an out-of-touch authoritarian technocrat who hates farmers, motorists, pensioners and Britain itself.
Still, party officials remain optimistic.
“By this time next year,” said one aide, “we could have united the entire country; in despising somebody else.”
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