Trump excited to ask astronauts if the Moon hit their eye like a big pizza pie
US President Donald Trump has scheduled an emergency meeting with the Artemis II astronauts to decipher whether the Moon actually does hit your eye like a big pizza pie.
Melania Trump expertly distracts media away from disastrous Iran war back to Jeffrey Epstein
Melania Trump has expertly distracted everyone from the United States’ disastrous Iran war by bringing discussions back to her and her husband’s friendship with paedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
Oxford English Dictionary redefines ‘Ultimatum’ as ‘Word orange lunatic uses when he can’t think of a better plan’
The Oxford English Dictionary has decided to update its definition of the word ‘ultimatum’ after Donald Trump skewered its original meaning.
Wireless Festival back on as organisers announce surprise set from Heinrich Himmler
Wireless Festival has announced a surprise set from Heinrich Himmler, after it was cancelled because the government blocked Kanye West from entering the UK.
Oil companies to build giant sun blocker after surge in solar panel sales
Oil companies are working together to build a giant sun blocker, after a surge in solar panels sales started to threaten their business.
Jesus takes one look at state of the world and walks straight back into the tomb
After taking one look at the shitshow currently taking place on Earth, Jesus has made the quick decision not to bother with the remainder of his resurrection.
M&S release crossless buns for atheists
In an effort to be more inclusive, Marks & Spencer have released crossless buns for atheists to enjoy over the Easter weekend.
Tesco manager crucified in frozen aisle to prove supermarkets are ‘Easter’ enough
The manager of a local Tesco has been nailed to a cross following complaints by some members of the public that supermarkets aren’t ‘Easter’ enough.
Trump calls on NATO to help reopen Kid Rock’s pool
After two US Army helicopters were spotted hovering above Kid Rock’s house, Donald Trump has now urged NATO allies to help regain control of the rock star’s pool.
Phillip Schofield to replace Scott Mills on BBC Radio 2
Phillip Schofield will replace Scott Mills on Radio 2, the BBC has announced.
New Archbishop of Canterbury to wear hazmat suit during any meeting with Pope-killer JD Vance
The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Dame Sarah Mullally, has been advised to wear a full hazmat suit should she ever come into contact with US Vice President JD Vance.
Peace talks progressing well between Donald Trump and his reflection
Negotiations to end the Iran war are progressing well following productive talks between Donald Trump and Donald Trump.
Norwich City gain millions more fans after Nigel Farage seen with Ipswich Town shirt
Championship club Norwich City have gained millions of fans overnight after Nigel Farage was pictured holding the shirt of their rivals Ipswich Town.
Weary Jane McDonald emerges from HMS Dragon after getting on wrong ship
Jane McDonald has descended the steps of the HMS Dragon after accidentally getting on the wrong ship three weeks ago.
Donald Trump uses Graceland visit to profess deep admiration for how Elvis groomed 14-year-old girl
After visiting Graceland this week, US President and Jeffrey Epstein’s friend, Donald Trump, has admitted a deep admiration for how Elvis managed to groom a 14-year-old girl.
ICE agent wondering how many bodies he’d be able to fit into airport security tray
A federal agent is wondering how many bodies he’d be able to fit into a security tray after ICE was deployed to major airports across the US.
Men at half-mast to mourn founder of OnlyFans
Men around the world are at half-mast today to pay their respects to the founder of adult-site OnlyFans.
Priest having second thoughts about letting Trump give Robert Mueller’s eulogy
The priest overseeing Robert Mueller’s funeral is apparently having second thoughts about letting Donald Trump give the eulogy, it has been revealed.
‘Saturday Night Live UK was terrible’ insists man who didn’t bother to watch it
A man has decided that Saturday Night Live UK is the worst thing ever to appear on television, despite not even bothering to watch the debut episode.
Trump fumes at Japanese refusal to send Godzilla to Strait of Hormuz
Donald Trump has hit out at Japan after it refused his demands to send the fictitious monster Godzilla to the Strait of Hormuz.
Riyadh named UK City of Culture
The Saudi Arabian capital city of Riyadh has been named the 2029 UK City of Culture, the Department of Culture has announced.
Donald Trump asks Africa Cup of Nations to overturn 2020 election
US President Donald Trump has asked the Confederation of African Football to overturn the 2020 election following their decision to award Morocco the 2025 Africa Cup of Nations.
Banksy paints giant c*ck on Reuters building
Banksy has painted a giant c*ck on the side of the Reuters headquarters in London after an investigation by the news outlet revealed the graffiti artist’s real name.
Donald Trump hired by The Simpsons after claiming to predict 9/11
Known for their knack of predicting historical events, The Simpsons have hired Donald Trump as a writer after claiming to have predicted the 9/11 attacks.
Tuckered out Timothée Chalamet carried to car by Kylie Jenner’s bodyguard
After having a massive tantrum at the Oscars, a tuckered out Timothée Chalamet had to be carried to the car by Kylie Jenner’s bodyguard, it has been revealed.
Trump urges UK to send ships to war he apparently won weeks ago
President Donald Trump has urged the UK and other allies to send warships to Iran, despite repeatedly saying the war had already been won.
Man troubling neighbour for cup of crude oil
Hoping to rekindle the friendliness and community spirit of a bygone era, a man has been spotted asking his neighbour for a cup of crude oil.
Second FIFA Peace Prize posthumously awarded to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
FIFA has paid a touching tribute to recently-deceased Ayatollah Ali Khamenei by posthumously awarding the former Iranian leader the second FIFA Peace Prize.
Posh tw*ts chasing fox to replace Winston Churchill on new £5 note
A bunch of posh tw*ts chasing a fox will replace the image of Winston Churchill on the new £5 note, the Bank of England has revealed.
Trump gifts staffers dress shoes with extra room for bone spurs
US President Donald Trump has gifted White House staffers and cabinet members dress shoes with extra room for bone spurs, it has been revealed.
