Tesco manager crucified in frozen aisle to prove supermarkets are ‘Easter’ enough

The manager of a local Tesco has been nailed to a cross following complaints by some members of the public that supermarkets aren’t ‘Easter’ enough. 

With the annual UK tradition of certain people screaming ‘Where are all the mentions of Easter?!’ in every supermarket they walk into, one manager has taken the difficult decision of crucifying himself to ease complaints. 

“I’m not sure if we can get any more Easter than this,” said Simon Williams, nailed to a giant cross next to the fish fingers. 

“In hindsight, we should’ve probably picked a warmer aisle. Not only are my hands and feet absolutely killing me, but my balls are frozen as well. Not to mention the splinters in my arse. Honestly, the things I put myself through for our loyal customers.

“We were contemplating tattooing the word ‘Easter’ right in the centre of my forehead, but we were worried that wouldn’t be a clear enough message for some people.

“This is significantly less degrading than the fluffy bunny costume some people were trying to make me wear. I’d definitely rather have nails hammered into my feet than look like an absolute tit. 

“I’m not entirely sure what happens now. I’m suppose I’ll just die on this cross, and unlike Jesus, I probably won’t be resurrected on Monday.

“Oh, well. At least the right-wingers will stop moaning for a couple of days.”

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