Lamppost flags at half-mast following Nigel Farage’s resignation

St George’s flags have been lowered to half-mast on lampposts across the UK following Nigel Farage’s resignation as a Member of Parliament.

“It’s a sad day,” said Derek Williams, lowering the mouldy, crumpled flag to half-mast. 

“Nigel is a true patriot and the fact he’s been forced into resigning by this witch hunt is an absolute disgrace. So what if he failed to declare £5 million from Christopher Harborne? So what if he failed to declare donations from convicted money launderer George Cottrell? So what if he earned £270K from advertising gold bullion? Gold bullion is the metal of the working people. Everyone knows that!

“It feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest. The establishment is completely against us. It’s so unfair. Honestly, I haven’t felt this bad since the tattooist accidentally wrote ‘Ingland’ across my chest. At least the bulldog looked realistic, though. 

“Oh, well. I suppose we’ll have to get behind the by-election candidate. I know Matt Goodwin and Robert Kenyon are both desperate to embarrass themselves again, but I think I’d prefer Elon Musk to run. Now Nigel’s gone he can support Reform again can’t he? We already have loads of foreign interference, so it won’t make much difference. The job’s easy. All he needs to do is visit Clacton once a year.

“Wait? Nigel has changed his mind and is running again? What a hero!”

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