Donald Trump threatens to rename Ryan Reynolds

The feud between the United States and Canada has reached new heights, with President Trump threatening to officially rename Ryan Reynolds ‘Chad Reynolds’. 

The US President recently posted a series of messages on Truth Social claiming he would rename Lake Ontario to ‘Lake America’. Though, according to White House officials, his main focus is fully Americanising one of Canada’s most beloved Ryans. 

“It’s definitely something we’re exploring,” said US Secretary of State Marco Rubio, commenting on the ongoing Ryan situation. 

“Currently Ryan Reynolds is Canadian-American, but we believe renaming him ‘Chad’ would rid him of that pesky Canadian part we hate so much.

“We’re also hoping to Americanise a few others, like Celine Dion to ‘Ashtyn Dion’, Jim Carrey to ‘Jaxson Carrey’ and Martin Short to ‘Cooper Short’. 

“Don’t ask me what kind of legal standing we have to do this, because as far as I’m aware, we have none. That doesn’t mean we can’t get it done. If we cared about the law, we wouldn’t do half the things we do.

“I’m pretty sure they’d sell us the rights to Ryan Reynolds for a high enough price. We’ll send in the military if we have to. The tactic has worked so well in Iran. We’d be silly to stop now. 

“Besides, we’ve already spoken to Marvel. They’re fine with adding ‘Chad Reynolds will return in Avengers: Doomsday’ to the end credits of ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’. Shit, in the comics Wolverine is Canadian as well?

“We just can’t get rid of these people fast enough.”

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