Rohan mistakes Keir Starmer’s house fire as Gondor calling for aid

The Kingdom of Rohan sent hundreds of horsemen over to Gondor yesterday after mistaking Keir Starmer’s house fire for the lighting of the beacons.

Counter-terrorism police have made an arrest following a suspicious fire that occurred at the Prime Minister’s north London house on Monday, a blaze which has seemingly confused the Kingdom of Rohan.

“I’m really glad no one was hurt, but I do feel quite embarrassed,” admitted King Théoden.

“I sent hundreds of Rohirrim over to Gondor and they had no clue what we were doing there. Everyone was absolutely fine. No orcs, no goblins. It was all a massive waste of time.

“Not many people know this, but London is actually very close to Minas Tirith. One of the guards thought the first beacon had been lit and that obviously started a chain reaction all the way to Rohan. Rest assured, he’s been sacked.

“The worst part is we’ve got to rebuild all those beacons. What a ball ache that’s going to be. Not only that, we’re also pretty exposed here in Rohan now. If someone decides to attack us we’d be absolutely fucked.

“I suppose I’d better clear up all these piles of ash. It looks like Deirdre Barlow stopped over for a fag break in Middle-earth.”