World prepares for imminent US attacks on Iran after Trump describes them as ‘highly unlikely’
by Rich Smith 51 seconds ago 
Governments across the Middle East have activated emergency plans after Donald Trump offered what security experts described as his clearest indication yet that further US attacks on Iran are imminent, by saying they are “highly unlikely”.
The president’s apparent reassurance prompted diplomats to abandon negotiations and begin identifying buildings with reinforced basements.
“Previously, we thought further strikes were merely a possibility,” explained regional security analyst Chuck Williams.
“But then the President said they were ‘highly unlikely’, so we’ve moved everyone down into the basement.
“If he says he’s giving serious consideration to peace, we increase surveillance. If he promises peace, we evacuate. If he personally guarantees peace has already been achieved, there’s probably already something in the air.”
Williams explained that intelligence agencies had significantly reduced their operating costs after discovering that assessing Trump’s intentions required neither satellite imagery nor intercepted communications.
“We used to have an entire department working out whether the President was telling the truth. We’ve replaced it with a Post-it saying ‘No, he isn’t’
“That’s freed up considerable resources for working out which particular lie he’s telling.”
Meanwhile, officials have begun preparing for Trump’s response to any subsequent bombing, including his insistence that he never ruled it out, that nobody has ever been more against bombing, and that the footage of him saying otherwise is a disgraceful attack by the biased media.
“He doesn’t experience the normal consequences of lying, like you or I would,” Williams continued.
“Mostly, he just experiences another opportunity to say more things while pretending he hadn’t said all the previous things.”
Regional leaders have appealed to the White House to prevent the President making any further reassuring statements while civilians are still being moved to safety.
“There is still a chance this can be resolved peacefully,” concluded Williams.
“But if he gives us his word, we’re completely fucked.”
At press time, Trump had announced that everyone could sleep soundly, prompting several governments to wake everybody up.
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