Pope Leo XIV miraculously survives meeting with JD Vance

Pope Leo XIV is breathing a sigh of relief today after miraculously surviving his meeting with US Vice President and notorious pontiff-ender JD Vance.

The Pope met Vance in Vatican City on Monday, where the Vice President presented the pontiff with an invitation to the White House from Donald Trump. However, Leo was apparently distracted thinking about how Pope Francis died the day after his meeting with JD Vance.

“I’m still shaking,” admitted Pope Leo XIV. “Not many Popes meet JD Vance and live to tell the tale. 

“I kept thinking to myself, ‘This is it, I’m done for.’ But here I am, alive and well. If that doesn’t make you believe in a higher power then I don’t know what will.

“Think about it. It had to have been divine intervention. This guy is known for killing off our kind. I swear to God that Pope Francis was absolutely fine before that meeting. He was recovering really well and was even talking about running the London Marathon next year. Then Vance comes along and suddenly it’s goodbye Pope Francis. 

“I’ve been washing my hands for hours in the hope of getting rid of his DNA. As soon as I shook his hand I felt a strange burning sensation in my fingers. I’m not saying he’s the devil, but you never notice how bright red his eyes are until you’re face-to-face with him.”

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