Physicists concede that energy CAN be destroyed, after brief visit to Ipswich
Physicists are to rewrite the first law of thermodynamics after witnessing that energy CAN be destroyed, following a long weekend in Ipswich.
God issues urgent recall on ‘humanity’
The human race is facing being returned to its maker after a spokes-entity for God confirmed that He is to take out a full-page ad in many of the world’s newspapers tomorrow asking for all humankind to be recalled to his factories.
Man’s joy at hat-trick of farts not shared by wife
A Bedfordshire man has described his “mixed emotions” after a salvo of three “utter rockstar” farts were met with open hostility by his wife.
‘I’m a runner NOT a jogger’ fumes indignant jogger
A highly irate man who self-identifies as a ‘runner’ has caused a workplace ruckus by storming out of the tearoom after someone asked if he ‘was still doing the jogging’.
Shock as scientists prove that people weigh exactly the same even when wearing black
Women across the UK were left ‘shocked’ and hastily re-evaluating their wardrobes last night after boffins confirmed that wearing black clothes does not affect the result displayed on a weighing scale.
Laurence Fox’s new tattoo pledges allegiance to our Lord and Saviour, dancing tube man
Rapscallion gobshite Laurence Fox has taken time away from rapping about scallions, immigrants, gender ideologies and any other easy-pickin’s page in the great reactionary catalogue to have a tattoo of one of those dancing tube men seared into his neck.
Entire nation united in its desire to see no-handed cyclist fall off
The British people have demonstrated a surprising degree of solidarity after academics proved that they collectively will every smug tosser of a cyclist who pedals whilst rolling a fag or generally making a big show of keeping their hands off the handlebars to fall off and get a right bastard of a grazed knee.
Sausage purists bracing themselves for a long weekend of poorly barbecued bangers
With the warm weather across the country ensuring most places now ‘feel’ like summer, experts have predicted that barbecue owners around the land will be keen to demonstrate their inability to cook sausages.
Müller unveils new ‘Farage Frais’ range of throwing yoghurts to hurl at politicians
Yoghurt giant Müller has jumped on the ‘hurling viscous dairy products at politicians’ trend with its new “Farage Frais” line of dinky little yoghurt things.
What category of profile picture twat are you?
It would be childish and reductive to judge, label, and list reams of hostile opinions upon another human based solely on their social media profile pic. So here goes!
Pregnancies by milkmen ‘at all time low’
Britain’s once mighty workforce of unrelentingly randy milkmen are now accountable for ‘less than 0.5%’ of new pregnancies, a statistical breakdown of modern inception participants has found.
Man’s cheery Facebook avatar not fooling anyone
A Bedfordshire man who uses a computer-generated avatar of himself on Facebook to ostensibly appear to be a cartoonish, loveable, and playful sort has admitted that he is, in fact, a grumpy git with wonky features and a low-quality complexion.
British public united in its desire to see no-handed cyclist fall off
The British people have demonstrated a surprising degree of solidarity after academics proved that they collectively will every smug tosser of a cyclist who pedals whilst rolling a fag or generally making a big show of keeping their hands off the handlebars to fall off and get a right bastard of a grazed knee.
UK shops agree that ambient Christmas shopping temperature should be 47 Celsius
Britons pressured into spending their precious time, money, and sanity on braving the high street to buy disposable tat for their loved ones have been unpleasantly surprised to find that the ambient in-shop temperature has been set to a sweaty 47 degrees Celsius this Christmas.
Liz Truss’s comeback ‘Manna from heaven’ insist satirists
Satire and caption writers across the UK are rubbing their hands at the prospect of mocking Liz “low-hanging fruit” Truss’s comeback.
Shock as scientists prove that people weigh exactly the same even when wearing black
Women across the UK were left ‘shocked’ and hastily re-evaluating their wardrobes last night after boffins confirmed that wearing black clothes does not affect the result displayed on a weighing scale.
Dog confirmed as being ‘much more popular’ than owners
A particularly friendly and excitable dog is far and away the most popular member of a North Yorkshire family, according to sources close to the dog and its owners.
‘Please leave your filthy mugs and pots for me’ pleads Washing Up Fairy
A tiny blonde lady sporting wings and wearing Marigolds has insisted she is the washing-up fairy.
Man vows to instigate ‘complete reform’ of arse-wiping technique following ‘string of failures’
A Dunstable man has vowed to “right the wrongs” of his arse-wiping method after being left “golden-fingered” for the third time in a week.
Microsoft unveils “Resign from the Conservative government” Word template
Microsoft is to save users time by adding a new, “Resign from the Conservative Party” template to Word, the software giant has announced today.
2020 sees 2019’s Covid-19 and raises it Bubonic Plague
It has emerged that 2020 has claimed responsibility for the resurgence of bubonic plague cases in China after “having had enough” of being dominated by Covid-19.
Tories greenlight £150m ad campaign to ensure people are no longer acting on the advice of their £100m Brexit ad campaign
The government has this morning given the go-ahead to a brand new £150m advertising campaign to ensure the public is no longer taking the advice contained within their recent £100m advertising campaign.
God issues recall on ‘humanity’
The human race is facing being returned to its maker after a spokes-entity for God confirmed that He is to take out a full-page ad in many of the world’s newspapers tomorrow asking for all humankind to be recalled to his factories.
British public united in its desire to see no-handed cyclist fall off
The British people have demonstrated a surprising degree of solidarity after academics proved that they collectively will every smug tosser of a cyclist who pedals whilst rolling a fag or generally making a big show of keeping their hands off the handlebars to fall off and get a right bastard of a grazed knee.
Britain responds to David Attenborough’s heartfelt climate change plea by attaching sixty trillion Christmas lights to its rooftops
Sir David Attenborough is said to be ‘face-palming incessantly’ this morning after Britain reacted to his stirring words at the UN climate change summit by illuminating the nation with enough tacky Christmas lighting to shame the rapture, it has emerged.
Busybodies ‘vindicated at last’ after child loses eye by mucking about
Busybodies across Britain are celebrating being vindicated today after, despite years of their disapproval and mutterings that ‘you’ll have someone eye out’, a small child has literally lost an eye as the direct result of ‘mucking about.’
‘I’m a runner NOT a jogger’ fumes indignant jogger
A highly irate man who self-identifies as a ‘runner’ has caused a workplace ruckus by storming out of the tearoom after someone asked if he ‘was still doing the jogging’.
Use a f*cking cloth to wipe up your mess, furious tea towels tell disgusting nation
A furious tea towel has urged ‘for the love of God’ that the nation cease and desist from using him and his kind to mop up their pasta sauce and coffee spills when there are perfectly suited sponges and dishcloths available for precisely that task.
World Cup wall charts are ‘unlikely to be filled in properly’ warn experts
World Cup wallchart industry academics have predicted that the prevalence of this year’s wallcharts that have every result, group table and knock out roster filled in correctly is ‘pretty bloody low,’ it has emerged.
Pregnancies by milkmen ‘at all time low’
Britain’s once mighty workforce of unrelentingly randy milkmen are now accountable for ‘less than 0.5%’ of new pregnancies, a statistical breakdown of modern inception participants has found.
