What category of profile picture twat are you?

author avatar by 4 weeks ago

It would be childish and reductive to judge, label, and list reams of hostile opinions upon another human based solely on their social media profile pic. So here goes!

1. THE FISH HOLDER
Having abandoned your family to brave the cold winds and pissy rains of a riverbank, ignored the cries of desolate ecstasy seeping from the nearby dogging site and endured maggot goo and fish slime-smothered hands, you deserve a trophy photo as proof that you have outwitted a denizen of the deep ( that you won’t even eat, lest you die of one of the exciting new poo disease doing the rounds; thanks, water companies!) This isn’t symbolic marlin fishing in the Gulf of Mexico, a la the Old Man and the Sea; it’s fishing for depressed carp in an overstocked fish prison somewhere off the M6. But well done you. 

2. THE MOODY MONOCHROMER
Because solemnity and sexy charisma intensify through the sharp edges of a black-and-white filter. People no longer think, hey who’s that nobody? Wow, they must really have made it now they’re eyeing the middle distance with disdain, or staring humourlessly into the camera. Looks like they’ve put on a crisp white shirt, especially for the shot! How daring! The next time I see them at work I’m not gonna pretend not to have seen them, I’m going to ask for their take on fashion, politics… on life, man. Yup, you’ve done it. You’ve snared a newfound air of intrigue and admiration just by selecting a filter.

3. THE SMOKER
Oh, a dangerous anarchist! No childish vaping for you, it’s real-arsed tobacco all the way. It’s a travesty that you haven’t been used to sell rock music albums, a la Arctic Monkeys, or featured in a collection of working-class portraits by some arty ponce called Tristan. Or given an honorary contract to act in something gritty and football hooligany. But then again that would be selling out your hard-earned, hard-man image – you didn’t narrow your eyes and take an extra-deep, down-to-the-filter-drag just to appeal to the culture crowd; you did it to prove you’re a maverick that could kick a Sequoia down, barefoot. Even though you get out of breath taking the bins out. Bonus twat points if you have a monochrome smoking profile pic.

4. THE PARTNER POUNCER
Fair play – you’ve persuaded someone >57% fitter than you to share their life, their bed, and a profile pic with you! (Although they seem to have forgotten to update their relationship status/profile pic to include you). And until they realise that your relationship is based upon their low self-esteem and your web of lies concerning your financial acumen, cultural interests and intellectual standing, you need to milk this baby until their nipples crack and whatever remaining charm you’ve somehow tricked them into noticing fizzles to entropy. Just don’t share the pics you took while they were sleeping!

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5. THE ASSOCIATIVE HIDER
The more the merrier. And by the merrier, we do mean a night out in Ayia Napa years ago where you got hammered on diluted shots of counterfeit Aftershock and may/may not have seen Tinchy Stryder having a piss in a nightclub. But despite all the excitement, you and your crew* managed to pile in for a group shot that made it look as if you had a week of non-stop, suntanned laughter and romantic encounters, rather than contracting early onset skin cancer, being left behind when the others went jet-skiing and taking it in turns to wank in the shared shower. But you’ve got a group pic to prove that you actually had mates, once – so flaunt it!