Man vows to instigate ‘complete reform’ of arse-wiping technique following ‘string of failures’

author avatar by 2 years ago

A Dunstable man has vowed to “right the wrongs” of his arse-wiping method after being left “golden-fingered” for the third time in a week. 

Simon Williams, an estimator in the construction industry, was compelled to speak out following a harrowing wipe-fail at a work site last Tuesday.

Williams explained, “No one wants to poo at work. And as I often travel to different sites, it’s even more distressing having to do it in an unknown quantity of a toilet.

“It was a pretty horrible loo. I reckon at least a dozen construction colleagues had laid cable in there that morning—come to think of it, they laid a lot more cable than the bloody sparkies paid to actually lay power lines have. 

“Anyway, I dropped and plopped as quickly as I could, then grabbed a huge wad of loo roll. TOO much! In my panic, I was wiping away at my golden exit when it all fell apart, with the skidders brushing against my hand. 

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“Disgusted, I balled up the wad and hurled it into the pan—and smeared my fingertips with my own shite in doing so.  

“Then I saw there was no soap.

“I had a long, hard look in the mirror after this episode. Which really hurt my neck. When I saw I’d missed a fair few chunks, I knew I had to make changes. I’ve thought up some measures to improve things and hope to ratify them by the time I’m next caught short at some godforsaken hellhole around the nation, be it in Nuneaton, Yarm, or Droitwich.”