Monday 4 March 2019 by JS Harding

British public united in its desire to see no-handed cyclist fall off


Fingers Crossed

The British people have demonstrated a surprising degree of solidarity after academics proved that they collectively will every smug tosser of a cyclist who pedals whilst rolling a fag or generally making a big show of keeping their hands off the handlebars to fall off and get a right bastard of a grazed knee.

Professor Percy Greenhat, who leads the University of Weymouth’s Department of Whimsical Statistics, explained how his team were touched to find that determining a common enemy can bring a divided nation together as one.

He explained, “It’s truly life-affirming when we can make the nation realise that we all hold certain values dear, and it seems that praying that these Herberts bounce off the kerb and wobble into a thorny bush is the one thing that every non-bike riding man, woman or child hopes to see at least once in their lifetime.

“And it’s not just the blatant showing-off that gets the people’s goat. It’s the fact that the British people realise that riding a bike no handed is only for young, up and coming idiots who normally find out it’s only cool until the first time a knee gets half its skin torn off by the unforgiving, cracked asphalt of a puddle-strewn British car park.”

Speaking in favour of the hubristic hands-free brigade, handlebar hater Simon Williams, 46, claimed that his detractors were “just jealous” because they “probably couldn’t even pull a bunny jump if their lives depended on it,” before cycling off to home to ask his mum what was for tea.

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