Tuesday 4 December 2018 by JS Harding

Britain responds to David Attenborough’s heartfelt climate change plea by attaching sixty trillion Christmas lights to its rooftops


David Attenborough global warming

Sir David Attenborough is said to be ‘face-palming incessantly’ this morning after Britain reacted to his stirring words at the UN climate change summit by illuminating the nation with enough tacky Christmas lighting to shame the rapture, it has emerged.

After Sir David told the world’s press that he believes that – due to climate change – the collapse of civilisation was now on the horizon, it was anticipated that a global outbreak of deep soul-searching amongst the planet’s inhabitants would sweep the earth.

However, it seems that many Britons simply tutted and went about turning on the endless procession of tacky, flashing lights that they spent the weekend draping over every last inch of their house.

Simon Williams, one such lover of unnecessarily garish outdoor lighting, has told how Attenborough’s plea doesn’t really affect him and his family, insisting that he “couldn’t really be bothered” to contemplate the impending doom that will blight the futures of his children, and his children’s children.

He went on, “Well how are my little bloody lights gonna melt ice caps and polar bears, anyway? They’re tiny, and barely kick out any heat at all.

“And what’s Christmas anyway without my little ones – and their little ones, bless’ em- watching their old grandad clambering around on the roof of the house, and strapping an endless string of improbably bright epilepsy triggers onto the guttering?”

Williams then suggested that Attenborough go and finish what his brother started at Jurassic Park, and’ do some proper science for a bleedin’ change.

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