Man’s joy at hat-trick of farts not shared by wife

A Bedfordshire man has described his “mixed emotions” after a salvo of three “utter rockstar” farts were met with open hostility by his wife.

Simon Williams, 46, of Dunstable, who has somehow managed to wangle a working-from-home job doing this and that ever since Covid, told how he knew he was onto a good thing when the first brassy parp squeezed out as he was halfway up the stairs to take his wife a cup of tea.

“A classic, roaring gasburger kicked things off,” said Williams.

“Pretty much no preamble, it just came out like the sudden blare of an orchestra starting the Star Wars theme.

“The sarlacc itself would’ve been proud of that one. But I was only getting started; the next, perfectly aligned with my upwards stride, was an even deeper, bassier and muscular creature.”

Simon’s wife Elody, whom her husband claims is, “no stranger to spectacularly evil” flatulence herself, says she was already mentally shutting down when Gus completed his hat-trick.

“These really were weapons-grade emissions. I actually work for Public Health England, and felt duty-bound to self-report these horrors as well as give a heads-up to my colleagues over at the environmental agency.”

Simon later confirmed that he is hopeful of one day reconciling with his wife.