Wednesday 6 July 2022 by JS Harding

Microsoft unveils “Resign from the Conservative government” Word template


Clippy helping to resign from the Tory government

Microsoft is to save users time by adding a new, “Resign from the Conservative Party” template to Word, the software giant has announced today.

The move comes after several more MPs and party officials wrote to embattled PM Boris Johnson confirming their intention to join the legions of rats fleeing the sinking ship of his beleaguered government.

Microsoft’s Head of Media Opportunism, Simon Williams, told us, “Our algorithms have detected a huge rise in haughty Tory types writing to the PM basically calling him a lying scumbag who shouldn’t be running a coconut shy, leave alone the government.

“Our new template makes it an absolute doddle for Tories to follow in the little ratty footsteps of Javid, Sunak, et al. in getting the hell out of Whitehall before Boris literally explodes from the pressure and covers them in chunks of flab, scarecrow hair, bullshit – and surprisingly potent testicles.

“Clippy will be around to help if you’re unsure of which particularly withering put-down you should be using, and to check for typos before you inevitably share it on social media in the hope of improving your reputation.”

Williams also announced that Microsoft is in the Beta phase of developing a sister template aimed at resigning Tories forced into apologising for their own actions in somehow shaming this government, which has the working title “The Pincher.”

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