Britons pressured into spending their precious time, money, and sanity on braving the high street to buy disposable tat for their loved ones have been unpleasantly surprised to find that the ambient in-shop temperature has been set to a sweaty 47 degrees Celsius this Christmas.
With online shopping accounting for most of the money being desperately flung to secure another year of unstable relationships, shop owners around the land have been desperately searching for ways to lure shoppers into their emporiums.
And for some reason, slow-cooking those who are one more airing of “Last Christmas” away from spontaneous combustion is it.
One sweaty bastard said, “There is nothing more Christmassy than wrapping up warm to go out in the cold, only to find yourself in a shop that has decided to replicate the surface of the sun.
“Look, over there by Savers, some Santa-hat wearing git smoking a fag and poking sad-looking chestnuts around on a George Foreman grill. Selling them for £5 for a polystyrene cupful! If I wanted roasted bloody nuts, I’d have gone to see that bloody chancer.”
Industry expert Simon Williams commented, “Over-compensating for the cold weather is an age-old trick that shop managers use to attract an endless stream of consumers into their aisles.
“But have they considered that the last thing that the public – already overdressed in big coats, stupid hats and weighed down by armfuls of soaps, candles, chocolates and bloody air fryers – needs is to feel like they’ve just wandered into Death Valley?
“Clearly not. But it’s a British Christmas tradition, so there you go.”