Monday 11 March 2019 by JS Harding

God issues recall on ‘humanity’


God issues humanity recall

The human race is facing being returned to its maker after a spokes-entity for God confirmed that He is to take out a full-page ad in many of the world’s newspapers tomorrow asking for all humankind to be recalled to his factories.

“It’s not a decision that He has taken lightly,” said Simon Williams, God’s Head of Intercelestial Relations.

The human race recall is expected to take three months to implement, with Williams enthusing that God is “looking forward to having another pop” at designing an “apt guardian for Earth.”

“There were design flaws made, no doubt,” added Williams, admitting that God has often rued his decision to install certain “wrong ‘uns” with qualities such as free will, inherent curiosity and “massive, freaky eyebrows.”

Williams went on, “And after tiring of watching this lot’s genocidal, self-destructive qualities repeat themselves century after century, culminating in blowing up mountains for power and electing an animated Wotsit as leader of the free world, He has decided to ‘have another go’ and is looking ahead to the launch of Humanity 2.0.

“He has also taken on board your feedback and will ensure the anus and genitals aren’t so close together next time.”

God will also retain some of mankind’s best traits, with Williams confirming that many of the world’s foremost giants of intellectualism -Nobel and Pulitzer-winning professors, philosophers and authors, Stephen Fry, Will.I.Am – will have their minds ransacked in tribute to His first stab at the creation of mankind.

“But apart from these geniuses and whoever invented peanut butter it’s back to the drawing board, really.”

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