“This is your captain speaking. You may have heard that there is a massive fucking iceberg ahead of us, but I would like to draw your attention instead to the 95% of our crossing that we have already safely made.
Theresa May’s Brexit plans have been put back on track today with the news that her cabinet has backed her for at least another 36 hours.
After a massive national poll, the largest countrywide survey since the 2011 census, the weekend of 65m Britons was declared “Not bad, thanks” this morning.
After another bruising defeat for the manager once known as ‘The Special One’, José Mourinho has hit back at critics, saying that his mum still thinks he’s special.
Simon Williams, 38, today wistfully recalled the simpler, happier times when the word ‘Brexit’ just sounded like a funny name for a breakfast cereal.
The Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail has today insisted that Theresa May’s Chequers plan for Brexit is still alive, despite a string of vicious attacks from European leaders.
Hermann Göring, commander-in-chief of the German air force, has denied responsibility for the devastating London blitz, insisting that his pilots “just wanted to see St Paul’s Cathedral”.
A new campaign is urging people between the ages of 45 and 65 to have regular “drink-free” hours.
Cardiff City have made a strong start to their return to the top flight, storming to fifth place in the Premier League.
In a legally binding referendum, the nation’s children will now all eat only ice cream, regardless of the consequences to their health.
Football pundits have warned that despite their World Cup exit at the group stage, it is still too soon to write off Germany’s chances at the tournament.
Following a spate of controversial Video Assistant Referee decisions at the World Cup, FIFA has unveiled VARVAR – a Video Assistant Referee Video Assistant Referee system, whereby a referee in a remote location watches a video feed of the VAR room and is able to review and overrule any game-changing VAR decisions.
With the summer solstice over for another year, the wanker in your office has just proclaimed that the nights are drawing in now.
After a catastrophic penalty miss at the World Cup in 1994, Diana Ross has said that she will step up to the spot again in 2026 if asked.
With Britain again humiliated by its European neighbours at the Eurovision Song Contest, Brexiteers have demanded a complete withdrawal from the competition, and for it to be replaced by a Commonwealth Song Contest.
The news that Dec will present Saturday Night Takeaway on his own on March 31st means that British TV’s longest-running whodunnit is coming to an end.
Brexit Secretary David Davis has admitted under committee questioning that due to the laws of quantum mechanics, the Brexit Impact Assessments that he commissioned both simultaneously exist and don’t exist.
A former Scotland Yard detective has told reporters he was “shocked” by the number of hardcore Conservative party policies on a computer seized from the Commons office of senior Tory MP Damian Green.
In a shock result after a bitterly-contested referendum campaign, turkeys have voted in favour of Christmas by 52% to 48%.
With apparently no sense of irony, Brexit secretary David Davis has warned the EU not to put “politics above prosperity”, whilst he simultaneously enacts the economically devastating results of a referendum designed only to unify the Conservative Party.
Although two months after the Las Vegas shooting is still “too soon” to discuss gun control, just a few hours passing since the New York truck attack by a suspect from Uzbekistan is enough time to immediately order extreme vetting of immigrants, according to President Trump.
With an unconvincing 1-0 win over Slovenia, the England football team have secured their berth to crash disappointingly out of the World Cup in Russia next year.
Comedy writers nationwide have been left stunned and unsure where to even begin poking fun at Theresa May’s Conservative Party Conference speech.
Under a proposed new healthcare bill, Jesus will stop performing healing miracles on sufferers with pre-existing medical conditions.
Stock photo websites worldwide have reported yet another massive increase in searches for “American flag + gun” in recent days as countless more futile articles about gun control are published.
A keynote speaker at the Conservative Party conference has pledged to guarantee workers one day off work each year in order to drag a sick or elderly relative to a mountain-top to be eaten alive by vultures.
Following the worst mass shooting in recent US history, author of the Second Amendment, James Madison, has angrily spoken out from beyond the grave to insist he meant the ‘right to bear arms that existed in 1791’.
Following his release from prison on charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, OJ Simpson has expressed relief that he is finally able to begin tracking down the real murderer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.
Following an online body image row after a husband’s tribute to his ‘curvy’ wife, all men’s wedding vows will now contain the phrase “In slimness and in curviness”.
The government has announced that by 2040 Jeremy Clarkson will be 100% electric in a bid to tackle harmful pollutants.
Register for free and keep up with the latest bouts of catastrophic
bellendry from all around the world.