With Britain again humiliated by its European neighbours at the Eurovision Song Contest, Brexiteers have demanded a complete withdrawal from the competition, and for it to be replaced by a Commonwealth Song Contest.
“OK, so everyone in Europe hates us and never votes for our song – so what?” said leading Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg.
“Fuck ’em. We don’t need them. We’ll have a Commonwealth Song Contest with loads of other countries instead. They all want to be in a singing competition with the UK anyway, everyone knows that. They’re practically banging down the door asking for one.”
Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson agreed, telling reporters,”Instead of kowtowing to Brussels bureaucracy, we’ll be free to trade artistic points with countries like India, New Zealand and Bongobongoland.
“What people need to understand is that these countries give us enormous global musical opportunities – these piccaninnies have got that natural rhythm for a start.
“And you should see those silly costumes they wear – grass skirts and whatnot – it’s absolutely perfect.”
Johnson also stated that Commonwealth countries shared Britain’s musical history, “What with them all having been made to sing our national anthem in the past.
“I suggest our first entry be Rule Britannia. Sung by Cliff Richard. That’s the kind of forward-looking Britain we should be building.
“The fact that the Commonwealth is made of up countries we spent centuries exploiting means that we’ll be very popular and they’ll be sure to all give Britain full marks and we’ll finally win this thing.
“Let’s take back control.”