Jeremy Corbyn has been accused of backtracking by his wife today, when his promise to “deal with” their household’s bins turned out to not actually mean emptying them.
Local man Simon Williams today wistfully recalled the times when ‘Brexit’ just sounded like a funny breakfast cereal name, rather than a complete and utter shit-show that has divided the entire country.
Following the suspension of Anne Marie Morris for using the n-word, the Conservative Party are now just six racist incidents away from losing their working majority in the House of Commons.
The Barnett Formula, the mechanism that proportionately allocates government funding to England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, has been calculated to equal the square root of fuck all in the wake of the £1bn of extra cash given to Northern Ireland in return for the DUP supporting the minority Tory government.
Following Jeremy Corbyn’s triumphant Glastonbury appearance on the same stage as the Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl has revealed that the Labour leader has secret links to the Foo and even sympathises with them.
The team behind the BBC’s Sherlock series have confirmed that their forthcoming version of Dracula will also be “completely up its own arse”.
A state of emergency was declared in bed last night when it was discovered that the cool side of the pillow was also hot.
It was all smiles for David Davis in Brussels today as his 27 EU counterparts all agreed when he laid out Britain’s number one negotiation target: that Brexit means Brexit.
Brexit negotiations which began today have turned out not to be talks about Britain leaving the EU, but an intervention staged by the other 27 nations aimed at stopping the UK from any further self-harm.
The captain of the Titanic tonight called for a “period of stability” after sailing the ship at full steam into a massive iceberg.
Conservative MPs who lost their seats in last week’s election have been adjusting to their new lifestyles, scouring local food banks for basic essentials such as foie gras and white truffle oil.
Boris Johnson is reported to be nursing a semi this morning after Theresa May’s disastrous general election result.
Eric Trump has defended allegations that donations meant for sick children were funnelled to his father’s Trump Organization by explaining that the money is ‘just resting’ in his dad’s accounts.
Counter-terrorism raids on a flat in East London have revealed what Britons have feared most – that ISIS were preparing a ‘wrong type of snow’ attack on the capital.
The Department of Work and Pensions has today introduced a policy it calls “If you’re well enough to wank, you’re well enough to work”.
Nigel Farage is understood to be tearfully grateful after being named a ‘person of interest’ in an FBI investigation into links between Donald Trump and Russia.
Theresa May has today had her Jobseeker’s Allowance stopped for failing to turn up for an interview.
A Boeing 747 flying from Heathrow to New York today was kept aloft solely by the man in 34D gripping his armrests for the duration of the flight.
Newly-promoted Huddersfield Town have made a strong start to their first top-flight campaign since 1972, storming to eighth place in the Premier League.
46-year-old Simon Williams from Hertfordshire has declared that it’s now “too hot”, despite having spent the past eight months complaining about it being too cold.
Greater Manchester police are said to be furious with their counterparts in US law enforcement for leaking the identity of Ken Barlow’s attacker in Coronation Street.
Sam Allardyce’s retirement from football management has abruptly ended following an undercover sting operation where he was apparently filmed accepting a bag of Werther’s Original in exchange for information regarding player contracts in the West Sussex Over 60s Mixed Lawn Bowls Association.
The Conservative Party has today made a manifesto pledge to guarantee workers one day off work each year in order to drag a sick or elderly relative to a mountain-top to be eaten alive by vultures.
37-year-old Simone Williams of Bedfordshire has today repeated her adorably naive belief that Labour can win the forthcoming general election.
The Royal Mint has ended speculation about the ‘hidden feature’ of the new pound coin by revealing that it’s the fact that since the Brexit referendum it’s now only worth 82p.
The Daily Mail has tipped Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond for the Rear of the Year prize, with a headline reading “Never mind Public Sector Borrowing, what about his Public Sexy Bottom!”
Leaked plans for the Queen’s funeral in today’s Guardian have shown that Britain is far better prepared for the death of its monarch than for the decision to leave the EU.
With apparently no sense of irony, Theresa May has said that a second Scottish independence referendum would be “divisive and cause huge economic uncertainty”, before returning to work on legislation to follow through on her own party’s divisive referendum that is causing huge economic uncertainty.
In the wake of the US voting for Trump, Brexit and the BBC losing Strictly, planets in the newly discovered Trappist-1 system have stated that their immigration websites crashed multiple times due to large numbers of earthlings looking to move there.
Police have today confirmed that they are stepping down a 29-year missing persons enquiry after the discovery of a body fitting the description of a man known only as Wally in a disused gravel pit in Staffordshire.
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