Government introduces “If you’re well enough to wank, you’re well enough to work” policy

The Department of Work and Pensions has today introduced a policy it calls “If you’re well enough to wank, you’re well enough to work”.

Department spokesman Simon Williams explained the crackdown: “Every year, millions of working hours are being lost due to people having time off work ill, but then just lying around malingerbating.

“Of course there are genuine cases of sickness, but if you’re well enough that you can knock one out after a cup of Lemsip, or flick yourself off under a duvet on the sofa while watching Homes Under the Hammer, you can make it back into work.

“That box of tissues is for blowing your nose. If you’ve recovered enough that you’re thinking of using them for anything else then you can do it on your own time.”