Conservative MPs who lost their seats in last week’s election have been adjusting to their new lifestyles, scouring local food banks for basic essentials such as foie gras and white truffle oil.
The 33 MPs who are now unemployed have been “disappointed” by their findings, which have mainly consisted of dented tins of supermarket own brand baked beans.
Ex-MP Simon Jolyon St John de Smythe-Williams said, “My former colleague Dominic Raab said that people who use food banks just have cashflow problems, which is correct.
“The cash used to flow into my bank account, and now it doesn’t.
“Apparently I’m entitled to £73.10 a week, which must be some kind of mistake as that’s not even going to cover the bill at my local charcuterie!”
St John de Smythe-Williams explained, “That’s an artisanal shop that sells prepared meat products, for any oiks reading this.”
He went on to add that even that money would be sanctioned if he didn’t take a job picking fruit for £7.50 an hour.
“Apparently they can’t enough immigrants to come and do that now for some reason.”
Theresa May has said that the Conservative Party would help the ex-MPs financially, acknowledging that some of them were in “dire financial situations”.
Though anyone else in the country who has lost their job as a result of her ineptitude can just fuck off.