Exoplanet PSRB1257’s immigration website crashes due to heavy demand
In the wake of the US election result, exoplanet PSRB1257 has stated that its immigration website crashed multiple times due to large numbers of earthlings looking to move there.
Woman enters 4th straight hour of telling boyfriend how her day was
Carla Hughes of Reading has tonight entered her fourth straight hour of telling her boyfriend how her day was, breaking her previous record of three hours 52 minutes.
David Cameron to f*ck up the National Citizen Service next
After fucking up the whole country, ex-prime minister David Cameron has revealed that his next job will be to fuck up the National Citizen Service.
Samsung to release exploding Note 8 in time for Bonfire Night
Samsung is to release the Note 8, the latest in its line of exploding smartphones, in time for Bonfire Night according to a company spokesman.
Tony Blair considering reforming band to return UK music scene to middle-of-the-road
Despairing of the current state of the British music scene, Tony Blair is considering reforming his band Ugly Rumours to steer the country back towards middle-of-the-road music.
Manchester awarded 3 Michelin Stars after food critic tries ‘Manchester Egg’
The city of Manchester, without a Michelin-starred restaurant to its name since 1974, was awarded three Michelin Stars yesterday when a visiting French food critic tried the local delicacy known as a Manchester Egg.
Kim Kardashian fears stolen nude photos “won’t be released on to internet”
Kim Kardashian, who has had nude photographs of herself stolen as part of a robbery at her Paris apartment, has today expressed her fears that they won’t be released on to the internet.
‘Win our remaining games and the title is ours’ insists Liverpool’s Henderson
With just 37 games to go until the end of the Premier League season, the maths is simple: Liverpool are in control of their Premier League destiny.
Iain Duncan Smith tells wife: “Our wedding vows were just a series of possibilities”
Leading Brexit campaigner Iain Duncan Smith has admitted to his wife that their wedding vows, solemnly pledged to each other in 1982, were just “a series of possibilities”.
Panama Papers reveal that bears shit in the woods
Journalists have today published more startling and completely unexpected revelations leaked from Panama Law firm Mossack Fonseca, this time revealing that bears shit in the woods.
Donald Trump withdraws from ‘wishy-washy liberal’ Fox News debate
Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has today withdrawn from the Fox News Republican debate, claiming that the ‘wishy-washy liberal’ channel is biased against him.
God defends decision to add Cecil Parkinson as heavenly supergroup’s keyboard player
God has today defended his controversial decision to add Cecil Parkinson as a keyboard player to his new heavenly supergroup.
Sound of Jeremy Corbyn kicking self for promising ‘no personal attacks’ shatters windows for 20 mile radius
The sound of Jeremy Corbyn kicking himself for promising “no personal attacks” in his style of politics has shattered windows for a 20 mile radius around the opposition party leader following allegations about David Cameron today.
‘Win our remaining games and the title is ours’ insists Brendan Rodgers
With just 38 games to go until the end of the Premier League season, the maths is simple: Liverpool are in control of their Premier League destiny.
Kay Burley becomes self-aware
Sky news reporter Kay Burley has become self-aware according to reports today.
‘Win our remaining games and the title is ours’ insists Liverpool’s Gerrard
With just 38 games to go until the end of the Premier League season, the maths is simple: Liverpool are in control of their Premier League destiny.
Hyper-Intelligent alien saviours visit earth, read YouTube comments, leave hurriedly
A race of hyper-intelligent aliens who recently visited Earth with the intention of solving all mankind’s problems left hurriedly yesterday afternoon after reading a selection of comments left on YouTube.
Editor responsible for cutting paedophiles out of Top of the Pops repeats hospitalised with exhaustion
The BBC editor responsible for cutting paedophiles out of BBC4 repeats of Top of the Pops has been hospitalised suffering from exhaustion, according to the corporation.
Cameron accidentally leaves Clegg running country “for about 15 minutes”
David Cameron has admitted that he accidentally left Nick Clegg on his own in Downing Street, effectively in charge of the country “for about 15 minutes”.
Engelbert Humperdinck apparently not dead after all
Singer Engelbert Humperdinck has been revealed to be apparently not dead after all after being chosen to represent Britain at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.
New Google privacy policy emails pictures of you in your pants to all your neighbours
Internet giant Google has come under criticism for its new privacy policy which automatically emails pictures of internet users in just their pants to all of their neighbours each time they use a Google-owned website.
Burger King to stop using unemployed people in burgers
Following criticism of its unpaid work experience initiative, Burger King is to stop using unemployed people in its burgers.
Unmarried men go into hiding to avoid leap day marriage proposals
The nation’s unmarried men have all left for work early this morning, and won’t be back till after midnight in an attempt to avoid leap day marriage proposals.
Riot police and bailiffs evict bankers from City of London
Riot police and bailiffs have evicted the last of the bankers who have been occupying the City of London.
Ryan Giggs clocks up 900th incident of playing away from home
Manchester United winger Ryan Giggs yesterday reached the milestone of playing away from home for a record 900th time.
Dalglish: “This will be the first of many meaningless trophies”
Kenny Dalglish has promised that Liverpool’s Carling Cup victory over Championship side Cardiff City will be the first of many meaningless trophies that he will bring to Merseyside in his second stint as manager.
Villas-Boas: “My mum still backs my plan for Chelsea”
Under-fire Chelsea boss André Villas-Boas has hit back at critics, saying that his mum still supports his plans for the football club.
Scottish football breaks laws of physics by becoming even more predictable
Scottish football has broken all known laws of physics by becoming even more predictable due to Rangers’ 10 point deduction for entering administration.
Capello: “I tripped and fell into resigning”
Fabio Capello last night stood accused of abandoning the ship of English football before the disaster of England playing in Euro 2012 has played out to its natural, grim conclusion.
England responds to Scottish independence calls: “OK, but you get Northern Ireland”
England has responded to Scottish calls for independence by awarding them sole custody of troubled province Northern Ireland.
