Wednesday 15 February 2012

Scottish football breaks laws of physics by becoming even more predictable

Scottish football has broken all known laws of physics by becoming even more predictable due to Rangers’ 10 point deduction for entering administration.

Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle states that whilst it is possible to know that the Old Firm will definitely always be the top two in the Scottish Premier League, there is a fundamental limit with which the accuracy of their final positions can be predicted, but that law is now being questioned.

Glaswegian Jim Burns said, “We thought it was like that experiment with the cat in the box. You knew it was going to be Rangers or Celtic, but you didn’t know till the end of the season.

“Quantum effects, isnae?”

Fellow Glaswegian Jake McKay said, “It was like the speed of light – nothing could break through that predictability barrier of being able to say that either Celtic or Rangers would be champions with the other one coming second, but not being able to say exactly which way round it would be.

“But with Rangers getting a 10 point deduction, that means it’s definitely going to be a one-two of Celtic then Rangers this season, as opposed to either Celtic then Rangers, or Rangers then Celtic.

“I didn’t realise the SPL could get even more predictable. My head’s spinning.

“Though that could just be the Buckfast I had for breakfast.”

Physicists at CERN in Geneva are frantically studying sub-atomic particles to find out what has happened.

Professor Michael Thompson said, “We’re looking for the mythical particle that governs all life in Scotland: the Greggs boson”.

Rangers still have a comfortable nine-point cushion over third-placed Motherwell though.

“Don’t worry”, said Thompson, “Rangers will still come second. If anyone else ended up in the top two I think the universe would end.”

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