Tuesday 28 February 2012

Riot police and bailiffs evict bankers from City of London

Riot police and bailiffs have evicted the last of the bankers who have been occupying the City of London.

The bankers, who have been camped out in London for hundreds of years, claim that they have a right to trade there, but the High Court decided that the move to evict them was “lawful and justified” given that everyone had realised that the wealth they claimed to be creating wasn’t actually real.

The operation, which began just after midnight, was mostly peaceful, but there were 20 arrests as some bankers sprayed bailiffs with champagne and hurled bundles of burning banknotes at police.

A handful more defied police by erecting a temporary structure from which they carried on trading in entirely made up concepts many steps removed from reality which somehow made them rich half the time, but had to be bailed out by taxpayers the other half.

Banker Sebastian Chambers faced up to the news that he no longer had a job. “All I know how to do is move numbers from once cell in a spreadsheet to another based on some kind of a hunch, and then hope that the graph I’m staring at goes up instead of down.

“It’s been proved that a monkey can do that better than me, and won’t take 1% of the fund’s value every year. What can I do now?”

There was some sympathy from the public for the bankers’ plight. Nurse Jackie Peters said, “OK, so I barely have enough money to eat, but at least I know I’m doing something useful for society.

“The bankers’ massive bonuses are actually fair compensation for having to do such a pointless job, basically just gambling in a random, zero-sum system, that must leave them feeling dead inside at all times.”

It was left to the new Dean of St Paul’s Cathedral, scene of many of the bankers’ protests, to have the last word. “Like Jesus, we must cast the money changers out of the temple.

“Because those cunts have fucked off with my pension.”

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