Tuesday 28 February 2012 by Waylandsmithy

‘Fit in three minutes’ claim gives millions hope of Olympic gold

Thanks to new research that suggests that just three minutes of exercise a week can make a person fit, people all over the country are putting down their remote controls, finishing off their pasties and wondering what brand of trainers to endorse once they’ve won gold at the London 2012 Olympics.

“I’d largely given up hope of ever reaching the pinnacle of athletic recognition”, admitted 23-stone Nigel Firth, an unemployed plumber from Stockport.

“This research not only gives me new hope, it also confirms that I don’t really need to start training until the middle of July.”

Firth hasn’t decided which event he will excel in yet, but is torn between the marathon and something where he can still get to sit down, such as the men’s team pursuit cycling.

“Given a good, solid, three minutes of training, I’m sure I could beat the best in the world at running for 26 miles and 385 yards”, confirmed Firth, as he reached for his inhaler.

“But I might do the cycling as well – I think I’ve still got that old Raleigh Chopper in my mum’s shed.”

But Firth wonders if the three minute claim is realistic for all athletes, and doesn’t want to commit to such a punishing schedule if the science is in question.

“Give it a month and I bet the boffins will have it down to one minute thirty. There’s no point pushing yourself too hard, especially if you’ve got a note from your doctor.”

Firth had to finish the telephone interview early, as speaking out loud makes his chest hurt.

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