Under a proposed new healthcare bill, Jesus will stop performing healing miracles on sufferers with pre-existing medical conditions.
The controversial move, introduced by disciple Judas Iscariot, is designed to cut waiting lists in the Nazareth Health Service, which has seen queues of up to 5,000 waiting to see the healing miracle worker at times.
Iscariot explained the change: “We’ve had people abusing the system – medical tourists coming from all over Galilee.
“We had a guy in here the other day who was actually dead. If that isn’t a pre-existing medical condition I don’t know what is.
“Jesus just told him to ‘jog on’. Which he then did, actually.”
And in a move away from the current single-payer healthcare system, where care is provided for all by a loving and omniscient deity, the sick will now each have to pay an annual premium of thirty pieces of silver.
When challenged that under the new regime many would be unable to afford a cure, Iscariot responded, “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. By which I mean you’re going to die.”
Iscariot then summed up the new system: “As Jesus himself says, ‘Suffer the little children, come unto me’.
“But not the ones with chronic illnesses.”