In a shock result after a bitterly-contested referendum campaign, turkeys have voted in favour of Christmas by 52% to 48%.
“Christmas sounds completely brilliant!” said Xmasiteer turkey Simon Williams. “They’ve promised us so much: presents, a nice tree, cranberry sauce…”
The losing side, Vote Remain Alive, has already begun an investigation into what was perceived as a negative campaign, dubbed ‘Project Fear’ by critics.
Turkey Simon Williams agreed with some of the criticism, saying, “Those Remoan Alivers just kept going on and on about how bad it would be if we voted to all be indiscriminately slaughtered.
“Well, I think we’ve all had more than enough of experts, don’t you?”
A Vote Remain Alive spokesturkey admitted that their campaign had been somewhat doom-laden: “Perhaps we should have focused on a more positive message about how not having Christmas has given turkeys benefits they might not be aware of, improving their living standards in countless ways. Like, y’know, not being dead.”
With the triggering of Advent Calendar 24, time is running out, but Vote Remain Alive turkeys are still pushing for a so-called Soft Xmas, hoping to combine some of the advantages of Christmas, such as pretty fairy lights, with some of the advantages of no Christmas, such as not being herded into darkened crates, rendered unconscious, killed, plucked, decapitated, trussed, cooked and then eaten.
“We’re really hoping to find some kind of compromise, given how close the referendum result actually was,” their spokesturkey pleaded.
Turkey Simon Williams was left with the last word though: “You lost, get over it. Merry Xmas.”