Tuesday 23 October 2018 by Andrew

Titanic captain asks passengers to focus on 95% of crossing safely made rather than massive f*cking iceberg ahead


Theresa May captain titanic

“This is your captain speaking. You may have heard that there is a massive fucking iceberg ahead of us, but I would like to draw your attention instead to the 95% of our crossing that we have already safely made.

“This 95% of the crossing has been pretty much plain sailing. Do you remember how smoothly I sailed us out of Queenstown? Try and focus on that part of the journey.

“And 95% is really quite a long way – we’re almost there. Try not to think about the massive fucking iceberg that we are sailing full steam towards, unable to divert our course.

“And what of this course that I have been navigating using a series of red lines that I myself drew on the map and then refused to diverge from, which have always pointed straight towards the massive fucking iceberg? I say look back along those red lines. We have made 95% of this journey perfectly safely. That’s almost 100%. On average, this journey has been a huge success.

“People have asked what my plan was as I set this course that was always going to end at this point and at this time with the ship ploughing into a massive fucking iceberg that is plain for absolutely everyone to see. Well, who is to say that in the icy waters of the North Atlantic the iceberg wouldn’t suddenly have melted if we all hoped hard enough? It still might.

“And what have I been doing on this journey so far as we head full steam towards the massive fucking iceberg with no way of steering away from it? Well, haven’t the deckchairs been rearranged marvellously? I have rearranged them in countless possible combinations to try to please everyone, and once I think I almost succeeded.

“It has also been pointed out that there aren’t enough lifeboats for you all, even though it was clearly advertised that there would be, and that the adverts said that the lifeboats would be even more luxurious than the first class accommodation.

“To which I say that according to maritime law it’s women and hedge fund managers first. Byeee!!!”

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